Hormonally responsive much?

So it's been a while since my last post, here's the deal. I started taking provera on august 27th, and clomid on September 2nd, on Monday, September 6th I was lightly spotting, just a barely there sort of red tinge to the toilet paper. Then Tuesday it got stronger, and started being a real period, but then on Wednesday I was hit with a deluge, I was wearing two maxi pads at a time, and soaking through them within 3 hours, passing clots like you would not believe ( I have a picture!) so I figured Good! Get it all out! YAY! the pain I could handle, because it meant I was that much closer to my goal of becoming pregnant! :) til saturday, when I began soaking through 2 pads at a time in 2 hours that averages out to a pad an hour, and that's alot of blood loss. I went to a party with my team on sunday, and had to leave after only four hours, because even though I was wearing 3 maxi pads, I had managed to bleed through and soak my jeans ( Embarassing much?) So at about 4am monday morning, the pain was so great, and the bleeding so extensive, I finally went to the ER where I was taken into the back, and given a pelvic exam. What worried me was that he said I needed a pregnancy test immediately, and I peed in the cup like they told me, but told the dr that at most I was 1 week pregnant, and that implantation probably hadn't even occurred yet, he gave me a worried glance, and I started freaking out.

Of COURSE the test came back negative, but here is the part I haven't told anyone, he said that it was his professional opinion that I am pregnant, because of the look of a cervix. IDK how it looks, but apparently it looks pregnant, so I have been in a state of fear that I am going to fail a 3rd time and lose this baby too. I don't know what I would do... but I suppose until I see the dr, after the bleeding stops, I just won't know anything for sure. All I can do is hope and pray that if I really am pregnant I stay that way. And If I don't stay that way, or I am not actually pregnant, I get pregnant very soon. Because it's my opinion as a woman, that I fucking deserve this.

ok, so I'm glad to have gotten that off of my chest, finally. I couldn't even tell Laura or heather because everytime I started to text about it I was immediately wracked with sobs thinking about my failure, and even here at work, I'm in tears. I'm trying to be strong and hope for the best. It's just really hard, and I'm still bleeding! I had to stay home from work on monday and tuesday because of the blood loss and an upper respiratory infection that completely couched me. but wednesday and yesterday at work I had to leave at lunch to go home and change, because the bleed through was that bad. I'm wearing two over nights again today, and hoping that the bleeding has lessened, but the cramps make me think that I"m not that lucky, not to mention when I got up this morning I soaked the towel I have been keeping by my bed for this very reason. *sigh*

on the bright side, I was able to crochet several hats, 6 adult and 5 baby hats. :)

So that's nice. I am trying to be bright side Sarah, it's freaking hard because I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, but the bible is right on some things " This too shall pass".

until it does I guess I'll just have to make sure to eat right, and stay as comfortable as I can, meaning snuggling on the couch with Eugene for our last weekend together, and crocheting more hats.

I guess that's another thing to talk about, Eugene and I got different shifts, and even though we requested that his schedule get changed to mine, it was not. This makes us both very sad, on the one hand, it means that my saturday nights are free to hang out with Laura, on the other hand it means that I will miss my sweet honey bunny very much. We didn't even get similar hours, I got 4pm to 1am and he got 10pm to 7am. :( I am hoping that this is really a good thing and that we will grow closer through this separation, but I haven't really accepted that. Right now, with all my wounds so raw, it simply feels like the knife is being plunged a little bit deeper into my heart. I'm losing precious time with my best friend. :(

ok I have been blogging for too long, and throwing this pity party isn't going to help anyone. I'm going to go and try to paste teh smile back on my face.