People ask me all the time :
How are you doing?
But they don't really want to know, When I ask someone how they are doing, I genuinely want to know how they are doing, even if I just said I'm well thank you, how are you?to be polite, I still want to know how they are feeling.
People say all the time : It's a long story
but that just means that they don't want to talk about it, and it's not really a long story, it's just perosnally emotional to them, and repeating it AGAIN ( Because all their besties have heard it) Would be too painful. And that is ok.
I suppose you wonder why I'm talking about this, well here's why, How I'm feeling is COMPLICATED, a mixture of depression, and hope, and fear, and a wanting so strong it eats me alive.
Why I'm feeling this way really IS a long story, at least, for me it's a long story, for me, it's three years and 10 miscariages, and 6 months of Fertility Treatments long. Sure that only took a few sentences to get out, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a long story, and it's complicated, and painful, and depressing, and all together enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and just stop existing.
People ask you : Have you ever had thoughts of suicide?
Well no shit, of course I have. all the time, I fight it all the time. I want to just curl up in a ball and die, or just unbuckle my seatbelt and fling myself from the car, YES I think about it, but I'm not stupid enough to do it.
People say : Well I had a hard childhood, that's why I am the way I am
Well I was raped by my step father for years, and physically and mentally abused by my mother for longer than that. I dealt with hunger, and neglect, and pain, and hardship, for the first 14 years of my life.
But you don't see me going around robbing banks, or killing people, or being mean just for the hell of being mean do you?
No.
What you see is me struggleing to be a mother, to start a family, be a good wife, work 40 hours a week to pay the bills, and be a part of society. What you see is me stopping on that lonely dark stretch of road to help an old lady with a flat tire, and give that couple in the parkinlot a jump, and giving that Bum a 5 so he can eat tonight, and Trying to start a charity, and a business involving quilting. That's what you see me doing.
People need to stop making excuses, and start making a difference. Do I feel good right now? NO! I feel like shit, but that's not a good enough excuse for me to just forget about the rest of the world, yes, life is complicated, and yes my feelings are complicated, and I have been through alot, but those experiences are what make me the perfect person to help everyone else.
Next time you ask someone how they are, try actually listening to the answer, not just the words, but the tone, and the body language, make an effort to be there for your fellow man.
Next time they say it's a long story, accept it, with good grace, and just let them know you are there for them if they want to hash out their feelings.
Show your love to the whole world.
please
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