A Beautiful week, Sad to see it ending, Believing in strength to see us all through, and new beginnings!

Dear Goddess,

This week has been amazing, I have spent so much time with Annie Cassie and Merry, and Cindy and Gary too. And I've been able to be a servant and show your light and love to the whole family. I've been able to show them that you can be morally strong, and have that inner peace even if you aren't a Traditional "christian". And I hope that helps them to stop worrying about me.

What I also hope is that the terrible blows we've been given this week come to an end. Gary had to stop Chemo because he was looking yellow, he went in for an ultra sound only to find that there was a thickening ( a mass we think) so today he went and got a pet scan and was told that the chemo has not been working that the tumors are growing and that he has to try a new drug on monday.

I'm crushed, absolutely crushed. This is my moment of weakness, because I BELIEVE that he will get better, I know that he will, and therefore I have no fear of him dying.

as terrible as this situation is, it's just there to test our strength. So I'm believing that he will be healed. :)



Not to mention that this is day 53 and I spotted a little tiny bit. I need to go out in a few minutes and drop off my prescriptions to get my provera and clomid started. I want to get that started asap. so that that spotting turns into more, I need to clean out the uterus again. and then we will try again for those beautiful babies. :)

We will try again for that wonderful family.

I want to be able to show my whole family my babies! :)


I will upload all of our pictures probably on sunday and you will get to see some of them then :) The rest will be on my facebook lol.


The beach has been amazing, the trip has been amazing, the drive was exhausting, bu soooooo worth it. As long and exhausting as the drive was, I'm stoked to go home and see my hubby!!!!

He's such an amazing man, and seeing his smile will make all the driving totally worth it. :)


will write more about my blog when I get home, just assuring you all that I"m alive. MWAH!

Ready to GO GO GO!!!!

I am officially on Vacation!!

so far I have cleaned and vacuumed the car, gotten together all the clothes I'm going to need, folded and packed them all, packed my shoes, and most of the puppy's things together already.

lost my damn key to my parents house. Stupid key. >.< I kept it for YEARS and I lose it now? stupid stupid stupid key!

anyways just updatesing!

I'm going to take 290 to houston, then I10 to baton rouge ( If I get there soon enough I'll stop for some food) and then I12 til it turns back into I10, and all the way to the parents house :)

I hope this doesn't happen every time.

I feel so lost and upset.

like I have no reason for anything

which I KNOW is complete BS I have Eugene and Malachai, and all the other friends and family that love me... but I just feel like a shell. like i'm empty, like I should have something more in my life by now ( Hello baby dreams)

I'm still ready with a laugh alot, and still pretty happy mostly, but times like these when I'm home alone and just know that I should be working on growing a mini me.....it's depressing.

I just kinda want to run away.

which is silly I know

but now it's been over 2 years, almost 3 since we started trying. and still no lasting pregnancy has come out of it.

I try so hard to get excited about it, but my heart feels ripped out. and I just don't know how to get my happy back


Hoping that my week in fl, where I will be playing mommy to three teenage girls while my aunt and uncle recuperate will make me feel better.


I need the beach and the sand and my girls with me, so that we can just chillax and take life one easy slow vacation paced day at a time. .... I need a stroller......

Just trying to hold back the tears, Cycle two incoming 100 mg clomid

I find myself breaking down alot today, trying my damndest not to, but I"m just really depressed.

Will be working on getting my happy back in the next week.

Made up with Laura, it's not her fault that she was excited, and while i"m still hurt, I have to forgive her and move the hell on.

I know that, and I did forgive her, my breaking down has nothing to do with her

it has to do with the fact that I"m still not pregnant, still not expecting that wonderful bundle.

ugh

I am not entirely sure what to do with myself.

I found a ton of youtube videos that were nice and informative and helpful, made me feel better that i'm not so alone here.


So while I"m in florida, probably wednesday, I'll start taking the provera, so that hopefully I start bleeding when I get back home to Texas... 5 days of provera, and then on days 5 -9 100mg of clomid ( That's two pills a day) and lots and lots of sex while the pills are there, and after, and yeah haha, just lots of sex.


so yeah.

I know that I have alot to look forward to, and I have alot to be thankful for now.

but I'm still depressed that I have to wait even longer.

I'm hopeful that my miracle will be given to me sooner rather than later.

Dear Vacation, please get here fast, I need you so badly.

Getting Over it

So Today let me outline what happened.

I found out that i wasn't pregnant, I told Laura and Heather that I wasn't pregnant

Laura texted me a picture of her positive pregnancy test.

I don't care if she mean to or not.

it hurt

and I said things that probably hurt her

not that I didn't mean them, I mean it's really not fair. This whole situation sucks.

But I have a choice

I can accept that it happened for a reason and move on

or I can be a bitter bitter bitch

and since I CAN'T be a bitter bitter bitch for more than a few hours at a time, I've decided to move on.

Laura, I'm sorry I reacted badly to the text message, you hurt me, and I responded. Not because you are pregnant, I'm so freaking happy for you about that, but because you chose today to spring the news... you've known for weeks that today is my day.


whatever.

I'm trying to get over it.

The week in florida will help I hope.

It will give me time away from work, and texas, and hopefully be relaxing, not restful, since I'll be all over the place, but at the very least i hope that it's relaxing....


anyways.

I'm done


I refuse to go to bed angry.

Grats on the pregnancy Laura. Hope that you get your girl.

so so so depressed and angry right now

but all that's coming out is poison and anger, sooooooooooooooo


I"m just updating, I'm not Pregnant

Laura is

/depressed

why can't the rule follower prosper just once?

Day 42

So today is day 42, no bleeding, but I've had so much gas, gas , gas, gas, heartburn from hell, and I keep randomly finding vomit in my throat. >.>

I have weird bumps on my breasts, I have weird cervical mucus, And I"m exhausted but just lay in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come to me, leaving me even more exhausted.

Tomorrow, day 43 is the appointment to say for sure if I'm pregnant, or just super duper fucked up in my head. I'm staying positive about it, because even if I'm not pregnant this month, there is always november ( And the pills to make that hppen will be prescribed at this visit if I';m not prego)

I've been certain all week that I am pregnant, I feel it... but it's possible that I"m just too hopeful, which would suck, but I'll handle that when it happens.

For now, I have butterflies that are floating around with that gas LOL :) If I am pregnant it's only a few weeks, at best, honestly 3 weeks at the very very most, but since they use your LMP I will be 43 days pregnant haha! 43 days pregnant.... wow... well.. actually I"m not sure if they use the first day of your lmp , or the last day of the lmp.. I'll have to look that up...


ok it's the FIRST day of your LMP

which means since I last began menstruation on 9/06/2010 my fertility window was 9/16/2010-09/26/2010, and I probably conceived on 9/21/2010, and I am 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant, and would have an estimated due date of 06/14/2011

PLease keep in mind thast the above paragraph is only true is I actually am pregnant, and it's possible that I"m not.

Of course then there is my horoscope for the day which is :

today's horoscope :
children rarely wake up with yesterdays worry on their mind, they are blessed with the ability to greet each day with hopeful expectation, this is as much or as little, of a policy as you need to adopt, there's going to be an adventure of some kind, you're going to be taken care of, regardless of what else happens, what else do you require, then, other than an open mind and a degree of enthusiasm, overcome your sense of exhaustion or exasperation, it's time to rediscover how rewarding life can be.

and my tarot card today was the King of Swords... :)

Just an interesting day all around

And worriesome I guess... I don't know guys....

I'll post more tomorrow.

WOW day 36!!

It's day 36 and there is no sign of bleeding!!!!! so yeah... I was wondering why the tests were still negative, but then I realized that of course they are going to be! I am on day 36 sure, but I didn't start ovulating until the somewhere between the 23rd and the 28th, because I didn't stop bleeding untill the 14th... so in my head I've been thinking that 36 days I should get a positive if it's positive, when technically, it's not been long enough for me to say one way or the other.

I'm being good and not obsessing. so that's good. but I kinda want to obsess... I won't though, I will behave...


I( got a new phone! it's a palm pre and I love it! It's soooooo sophisticated!!! :D :D :D touch screen ftw!

I'm really really really tired atm, going home and going straight to bed. :)

Day 34....

So it's day 34, and I'm kinda starting to freak out just a little bit, my cycle has not started over, soooooooooo IDK good thing or a bad thing I just don't know. Good thing would be YAY PREGNANT bad thing would be that I need to be kept on progesterone and clomid until my cycles work correctly, I take my next test tomorrow when I wake up, and I'm impatient for the results that I want to pop up and of course worried that they won't.

That puffyness that I wrote about in one of my journals has not gotten away.. so IDK

on a happier note, I totally did my first 5k!!!! It took an hour and 16 minutes, however I think that's because we stopped to rest/wait for people in our party to catch up. I don't care HOW LONG it took, I'm just stoked that we actually did it.. You know?

And I'm going to start doing 1 5k a month with Laura, in Georgetown, because it's only 1 dollar for adults!! it's a great course, and it's good for training, we will walk, jog, run, walk, jog, run until we just run all the time.

I want to be able to run a full marathon one day.. so I"m going to work my way up to that.

Day 32... no bleeding WOW!

So today is day 32, no bleeding,I'm just... WOW you know? JUST WOW!

I feel the excitement in my gut... :)because I really really think that I"m pregnant guys..... 2.5 hours away from being on day 33, and I"m so positive!

You can literally FEEL the difference in the tummy fat that I have and the firmness just above my pelvic bone.... I know it doens't make sense but there it is!

Also... :) I'M doing a Marathon Tomorrow!~~!!! Pictures will totally be uploaded!

Heather and Laura will both be there :)

And That's about all for now I don't have much time... but yeah YAY for thinking I"m PREGNANT! ACK!

day 30, worked out a bit hard..

So today was Heather and I's first time in the Gym together, I did 2 miles! the problem is that I think I pushed myself a bit too enthusiastically.. and so I'll have to tone it down from now on.

the reason I say this is because I sat down at my desk after my shower and felt a bit of cramping, nothing serious, but it was uncomfortable, and it went on for about 5 minutes... so far it hasn't come back, but I'm now worried.

*sigh* Oh well we will see I called for an appointment and got one for October 19th, at 3:15 pm, only appointment available before I go out of town. Soooooooooo hopefully I didn't fuck anything up. I kinda got hit with some guilt about it.

I was feeling really great, I mean 2 miles YEAH!~ Worked out for 40 minutes WOOT! tomorrow I'm going to stick to 3.2 and not up it to 3.8, I will only do 30 minutes and not over do it.

I'm just hoping and praying that the dreaded aunt flow doesn't rear her ugly head....

*sigh*

Cycle day 29... * YAWN*

I slept from 4:30 to 2:15, woke up quite a few times, but forced myself back to sleep, and I"m just exhausted.

I cannot do that gym after work thing, I"m just too tired for it, I will have to do it before work only. Which will be hard on mondays, but I will start doing it on tuesdays and slowly work my way up.

I can feel the haze of sleep hovering over me, waiting to attack! :P I think todays lunch will be nap time in the quiet room, because man I"m just exhausted!( yes I know I got approximately 9.5 hours of sleep, but it was interrupted to much it may as well have been two hours!)

still no sign of the dreaded period, so that's a happy experience! I'm hoping that my test on the 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, or 15th shows positive results. :D

Eugene woke up when I got home last night,a nd he was pretty grumpy, I tried to get him to just take a muscle relaxer and pass out, but he didn't want to, so whatever., He cut his hair and trimmed his beard, by that time it was 4 and I just couldn't stay awake to wait for him to be with me anymore, so I said fuck it and went to bed.

have I mentioned that i"m ready to curl up in a ball and sleep?

anyways, took a nice hot shower today, that was nice, but a cold one may have woken me up more. might be splashing water on my face as the night goes on.

I'm actually eating breakfast! YAY cereal and yogurt.

I had mac n cheese for dinner last night and my body was like oh fuck you bitch, you do not eat dinner! *sigh* so now my tummy has changed from sick in just the mornings to sick in the mornings and evenings.. which admittedly are swapped for me, but still!

ok I ahve to get to work, brought my what to eat when you're expecting book with me to take notes on my breaks for the other blog

laters.

28 days later... >.>

LMFAO!!! I was pretty excited to get to use that blog title! HAHA anyways... today is cycle day 28 ( For only a few more hours) and no sign of aunt flo!!!!!

I can't even tell you how excited this is making me, I"m telling myself not to get so excited, to just relax, so I have been writing in my journal about it alot, pages and pages of my life written down. So that has been extremely helpful in my "calming down" you know?

so yeah anyways... october 11th I'll take another test ( so tonight I have to go to walmart and buy food and tests) and then on the 15th or 16 I'll go back to the dr for another check up....

he said to go in for a check up if I haven't had a period within 5 weeks of taking the clomid, and that's about 7 weeks ... sooooooooo we shall see!



OH HAI!!! Update!!
I'm craving fried pickle chips and cupcakes.... soooooooo Sunday Eugene will have no choice, he's taking me for that.. LOL