Christmas with the family

So as you know, I started my holiday rather glumly. However with the help of friends and family, we made it much better. Losing the baby was so hard, but having friends and family who love me and understand, that really helped me through it.

So on Thursday, Eugene came home from fry's and tossed a bag on the couch, and said merry Christmas. Inside, was an alarm clock.... now its lovely , you know, has pretty sounds to help you sleep, but really? An alarm clock... for Christmas? I was pretty livid. Anyways, the next day he handed me money, and told me to go buy my Evo!!!!!! which I did, happily, intact, that's how I'm typing to you now! It's an amazing phone, I absolutely afore it!!!!!
Malachai got to go hunting, where he shot a 6 point buck, * jaw drops * that was his first shot, and he brought down a 6 point buck... at 14!!!!!! My son is so Damn talented! :o)

And Eugene got a new ps3 controller

It was a good Christmas materially speaking. nd emotionally, while it wasn't perfect, due to our loss, we were reminded of how much we do have to be so very very thankful for!!!

Happy holidays everyone!

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my plans for Christmas?

Getting piss drunk with Misty, we both had miscarriages recently, and we need this time to just... chill.

I bought 5 bottles of tequila, and Misty has Margarita mix, so by my reckoning, we are going to have alot of fun getting over our heartbreak.

Thanks Misty, for being there for me! <3

emergency dr appointment

Today I woke up to alot of blood, I mean alot, I went to the dr, who confirmed that I am still pregnant, but that the embryo did not seem to be healthy, and that I would probably lose it by christmas.

There's all I know about this for now.

bye

Worried

I seem to be cramping more and more and more lately, today is my 3 week mark, and I'm terrified, I have given up caffiene, went 5 days without it, but gave in and had some today, bad plan, the cramping and caffiene seem to be related. So no more for me.

I'm so freaking out, about losing this baby. Keep sending your positive thoughts please.

Pregnacny so far.... :)

What have I been experiencing so far?

Well At first the first night when we had sex, I was like.. I"m pregnant now, but the feeling soon faded, so I didn't thing about it again, until Eugene ASked me about a week later.. " Well are you pregnant or not" and i Was like.. I can't even know that yet! but after three days my curiosity as usual led me to take a pregnancy test, which came out Positive!! :)

It was POSITIVE! OMG!

So Elation, I was very very happy, as you can imagine.

and I felt pregnant, I think the news just made me a little more sensitve to my body, or my brains weird, whatever it was, I felt pregnant, but after a few days that feeling went away, and I was like... wtf?

So I just kept on keeping on, and then the nausea hit, and then the dizziness hit, and the weird stretchy soreness cramping hit, and I was like, YEP! Pregnant! :D Haha!

So now I'm having to pee alot, I have given up caffeine, and will try to drink mostly water ( Though I have decaf tea in my cup right now, but still it IS decaf!! :)) so that's good The lack of caffeine is making me whiny, and irritable and tired ( And it's only been a day!!!) But the Cramps have lessened, so I think that's a good sign, I'm pretty sure that Caffeine in pregnancy is moderated for a reason. I'll just figure out a way to get through it with water.... :)

I have been hungrier sooner, so I'll need to start bringing in snacks, like popcorn, and dried fruits, and pecans ( Banana Chips? YUM!) And maybe m&m's too.. :)

I have been exhausted, but unable to sleep when I get home, and barely able to keep my eyes awake while at work, it seems that my body has flip flopped it's schedule against my wishes... I actually slept THROUGH my damn alarm on thursday.

I have a funny little feeling in my pelvic area, kind of like a void is there or something, when I lay on my belly, I immediately have to move, when I wear jeans, my pelvis tightens up to the point where I have to literally FORCE it to relax, and trust me, thinking your pelvis into submission is not as easy as it sounds!

I've been tempted by so much food... but I've MOSTLY behaved, I can't exactly go hog wild, I have to be healthy, damn the season lol.

However I've been lucky in that I've not had to actually vomit more than a handful of times, just nausea alot.
And the spins just started today. I was sitting at my desk and I looked down into my purse and was rocked back with a dizzy spell.

Im so incredibly happy :)
I"m hoping and praying that I make it to term with this pregnancy and that Is all healthy, and has healthy bouncing baby as a result :)

Send me your positive happy thoughts!!!

Eugene is... not taking it as well as he should, he was a real jerk at first, and yesterday he picked a fight, but then he left a ntoe for me apologizing for it this morning... He's coming around slowly but surely.

Okies, I have to get back to work TTYL!

(2 of 2) the house for hugs and kisses! :)

(1 of 2) Eugene and I got to hang out this morning, the sleep deprivation I've been suffering made it so, I love it when he's in this mood. Chasing me around

Hugs and kisses!!!!

100th blog post O.O

So I'm pregnant :) I love saying that....

Anyways, it's not all that glamorous, I'm tired, I'm sick to my stomach, I'm crampy, my hair is limp, my skin is pale, I can't sleep when I need to, and I can barely stay awake when I am at work.

I need naps to get me through the days, I need extra sleep. It's really really hard on me right now.

I have been told that it will get better at month 3 or so, and I"m hoping that's the case! I'm so tired of being tired! O.O

I think I"m going to take a quick nap now... 20 minutes, even though I want 3 hours... 3 hours is a nap right? hahahahah

Have a beautiful day.

Guess what?

I got a positive pregnancy test :) I found out Thursday when I woke up. I was TRYING to be all quiet about it, but then some Drama happened, and I ended up telling everyone.

So I'm worried, because we have lost 9 pregnancies so far, what if we lose another?

*sigh* I am trying to not stress, just sleep enough, eat well, and hopefully have a healthy happy baby sometime in July.... :)

I really am the happiest woman on the planet right now. I've started my first unisex baby quilt( This is not all of it, this is just a portion I'd already taken a picture of, it's beautiful though IMO.) It's going to be double the width and 2 rows longer. So I think it will turn out rather perfect for a bed topper, you know?

It's surprising 1) how fast the time flies when I"m cutting and piecing and sewing

2) how much fabric I seem to go through, ( It's ALOT) the free fabric I got is just getting used up SO quickly!

and 3) How amazing it is to quilt :D I never thought I'd get into it, but DAMN I did, I'm in LOVE with this new hobby :D

I keep day dreaming about holding my baby, burping him or her, kissing their head... Burping them, loving them with my whole soul....

It brings me to tears every time I think of it. :)

I'm tired, and I have 28 more squares to cut before I can go to bed, so good night!

Random silliness

Wow.... Men.. hahaha

Eugene comes up to me at work today, and he says, well are you pregnant yet? I said I don't know, he said what do you mean you don't know? it's been a week since you were ovulating, shouldn't you know by now?

Wow... men are really really really dumb.

I let him that that the earliest I would be able to tell would be 24 days after conception, so I wouldn't know until at least december 21st, and at the latest january 16th. That did not make sense to him, he said, wait, so you aren't pregnant or you are? and I just looked him, and said very clearly and concisely, I Don't Know. He's a little .... pushy about this. It's kinda ticking me off haha.

Oh well, I know he means well, I was just like omg wtf bbq sauce!!! :P

anyways, yeah... men... hahaha

Minkie quilt... my next project? yes please!

So freaking aawesome!!!

I cannot wait! Tax return = fabric shopping YEAH!

Dresden plate number 1 completed!!

I did it!!!!

I managed to make one dresden!!! There are mistakes in it, it's not perfect, but it's beautiful, and I love it. YAY!!!!!

I'd like to give a special thanks to :

who made the whole thing possible with their AMAZING tutorials! :D

It's not mounted yet, but man is it ever beautiful!!! Hope you like it!

I need an actual iron and ironing board I've founf,a nd an actual sewing table if I'm going to successfully quilt anything, I will not be able to quilt anything unless I have a large flat space that's not the floor.

But still GO ME I ROCK!

QUILTING HAS BEGUN!!!!!!!!

I think that the funniest part about my quilting, is that i decided to star with one of the harder quilt patterns, a dresden.

I now haveJust begun the madness we call Quilting, but I must say... I'm really happy already!!!

I couldn't get my sewing machine to work, so I actually ended up hand stitching the p[oints on my dresdens, and I'll be hand stitching them together too, so I will be using the hell out of some pins!! Gotta keep it all straight as possible. :)

You can probably see all of my new quilting tools on the left, I'm really happy about those! I got them all at a STEAL! I bought literally 120 dollars worth of merchandise for 70 bucks!!! I LOVE BLACK FRIDAY SALES!!!

Ahem, anyways, I can't figure out how to get my sewing machine to work, so I am having to hand stitch everything for now, which as you can see from the pressed and pointed picture, I'm doing really really well at :)

The dresden is turning out fabulously, I'm really proud of it!!!!

instead of putting a circle in the middle of my dresden, I'm going to put three squares, so it's more like a sunburst inside a sunburst. :) Like a flower.

Super Excited!!!!

I will TOTALLY be posting more pics, and more blogs as I move along in this. I am assuming that hand sewing an entire quilt is going to be such a bitch, but I'm totally willing to do it, if it means that I can keep quilting at the moment.... It's really really alot more fun than you'd think, even the hand stitching!

I'm about to go match up rights to backs and pin so that I can get started on my hand stitching of the dresden completely together.

Later guys!!!!

My Journey to Gothdom, starting in 2011

I will start my make up with

http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?skuId=2056963&productId=44560&navAction=push&navCount=1&subdoc=3330offwk2310pal&categoryId=cat80039

Add: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0009XJNII/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B001ADUC1I&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=00VTQ1D1PN3DKJS0GHBZ

Finish with

http://www.amazon.com/Palladio-Natural-Rice-Powder-Tranlucent/dp/B001ADUC1I

Use this awesome kit for my eye liner

http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml;jsessionid=BLRJ13WLNULO4CV0KSIA5UQ?id=P273917&categoryId=C105

and then use

http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/186-8906400-8424207?asin=B0043FC04M&AFID=Froogle_df&LNM=|B0043FC04M&CPNG=health%20beauty&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=B0043FC04M&ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001

or

http://www.continualyouth.com/LaveraConcealer-FairBeige.aspx

for the eye shadow :D

This is my plan, and I cannot wait to get it all organized! :D

OMG pieeeeeeeeee

Because it's Thanksgiving, our team had pie day, alot of us brought in pie, and it was awesome.


now I"m in a coma, and can't really type haha, laters

Cervical Fluid? OH MY GODDESS

lawl!!

So yeah, yesterday, when I got home, I did the whole, check the CM and see the consistency, and guess what? IT WAS TOTALLY CLEAR AND STRETCHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O.o I was like holy freaking SHIT! I know that's fertile fluid! So I went to sleep, and got woken up int he most amazing way ever, Sex is so amazing when you get woken up for it! :)

I think I might have scared our house guest though, sadly, she was there and I didn't know about it until after the fact lawl.

Anyways, we had phenomenal sex, and I just enjoyed myself like you would not believe!

And Eugene did too, he's really Enjoying the no condoms thing :D Me too I hate condoms.

Regardless, this was amazingly good sex, and I was very happy with the result. Afterwards I just went back to sleep lol.

Then of course I woke up late, had to rush to get to work.

one of these days I"m going to just invest in an alarm clock LOL.

Well It's time for this blog post to be over, december 21st I'll start the pregnancy tests again.

200 mg of clomid down!

So you know that they uppded my dosage of Clomid, and it's now 100 mg a day for 5 days, last time I took clomid, I took it and then a few days after the last does started seeing the cervical mucus we were looking for, but this dosage level is hard core, day too and I already see it! Nice!!! Went tio the bathroom and had this eggwhite in my underwear, I know you are probably like wtf? but I swear to Goddess that's what it looked like, next time I"ll take a picture to share, cause it's true O.O

Egg in mah pants!!!

Who's doing 5k number 2 this saturday november 20th? I AM!!!

So Saturday I'm doing my second 5k....

http://www.runtex.com/web/2-3136.asp


It's only a dollar, and I"m stoked, I cannot wait to do this with my two good friends, I'm HOPING that Laura will come too, but she's not been online all week, so I don't know, Depends on her tummy, the baby does not like food, or walking, or sitting up apparently lol.

Anyways I'm super excited guys :) This is excellent, it's the 2nd 5k I've done, and it is helping me attain my goal of 1 5k a month, on the cheap ;)

Can't WAIT!!!

Mommas song

Mamas Song Lyrics at elw

Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama theres no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

Cuz he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

And when I watch my little baby grow I'll only want whats best for her
http://www.elyricsworld.com/mama's_song_lyrics_carrie_underwood.html
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama dont you worry about me

Dont you worry about me

Black Friday Sales sheet by KLannahan :)

In case anyone is brave enough to go I know that myself and 3 others will be going :)

I have sorted and looked through ads for 2 hours and this is what I have found, please enjoy! These are specific things that sparked my attention.... not all of the items on sale are listed though I will be sure to give a general explanation of what I found. I really hope this helps you with your shopping and give you some holiday ideas!

Stores open:

Toys R Us - 10pm Thanksgiving

Old Navy - Friday @ Midnight

Kohls - 3am

Target - 4am

Sears - 4am

JCPenny - 4am

Macy's - 4am

Best Buy - 5am

Walmart - 5am

Sams Club - 5am

Kmart - 5am

Radioshack - 5am

Michaels - 5am

Lowe's - 6am

Offlice Depot - 6am

Staples - 6am

Office Max - 7am

Big Lots - 7am

Costco - 9am

Target:

IF YOU ARE VERY SERIOUS ABOUT SAVING MONEY, THIS IS NOT THE BEST BLACK FRIDAY PLACE TO ADD TO YOUR LIST!!!! Though, I found appliances there were generally the "best buy" at Target this year!

Top of the line coffee makers and such for 30$ and less

Toys R Us:

This place had tons and tons of awesome deals!!! Buy Pampers Value Pack Diapers and get a FREEEEE box of wipes! And they had realllllly cheap infant furniture (though Kmart was cheaper).

Kids character fold out couches - $23

Digital Frame - $23 (Cheapest one found in all ads)

Transformers - $10 (regularly priced at $20

Transformers - $5 B1G1F (aka buy-1-Get-1-Free)

Gaming T-Shirts - $12.99 - $16.99 B1G1F

Folding Slide - $15

Rock-n-Ride Pony - $24

Classic Board Games - $9 - $20 B1G1F

Ball Pit - $15

Pavilion Basic Games - $2

Lego Construction sets - $30 - $75

Batteries - $6 - $8 B1G1F

Walmart:

Had very cheap infant/toddler clothes, toys, dvds and tv series on dvd.

Baby/Toddler Clothing - $10 and less

Dvds - $2 and up

TV series dvds - $12

Kid toys - $10 and less!

Big Lots:

I am a huge fan of their furniture so I had to take a look and they did not disappoint!

Children's LEATHER Chair - 40$ (must have)

AWESOME FRAMES - 6$

Pillows - $2.25 (Kmarts were cheaper)

Kohls:

I didn't even know there was a Kohls in Austin until I saw their ads! I absolutely love Kohls because they ALWAYS have sales! Though I did not get prices, ladies, if you are shopping for clothes for yourself you WANT to shop here. This is HANDS DOWN the cheapest and best quality woman's clothing available! Other things that sparked my interest below!

Jewelry - up to 60% off!

Comforters - $25

Towels - $3 (I think... can't remember... but I wrote it down because they were among the cheapest found!)ALL Perfume and Calogne - 10% off

Best Buy:

Cheapest music related electronics found here! As well as the stuff below!

LCD E-Reader - $140

(NEWEST MODEL) Polaroid - $20

Blueray movies - $8

Dvds - $4

Sears:

Looking through the Sears ad actually got me excited.... don't ask me why.... Like Kohls they had great deals on woman clothing and shoes! Though the stuff below really caught my eye!

Rings and other Jewelry - $20 and up!

Junior Tees - $5

Slippers - $4

Very large frame - $13

Dresses - 60% off

JCPenny:

I have spent sooo many nights shopping here for deals with my mom and family and is generally one of my favorite places to shop! I was disappointed with the sales for woman and juniors this year but I did find a few things to be excited about!

(VERY VERY NICE) Deluxe Airbed - $40

Jewelry - up to 75% off

Mens Clothing - up to 70% off (the best place I have found for deals on mens clothes /w good quality!)

Bedding - $20 and up

Pillows - $3

Towels - $3

Kids Clothing - $3.88 and up (everything pretty much 60% off though)

Socks, Stockings, Bras - 10$ and less!

KMART:

This is going to be my number 1 stop! The best deals by far on absolutely everything! I am tempted to go no where else (except Toys R Us). Kmart has won with every deal in town! Plus with their Layaway still around they are a great deal for people on a small budget! You could literally do all of your holiday shopping right here!

Star Wars Lego Clocks - $20

Fine Jewelry - 70% off

Comforters - $15 (all sizes)

Towels - $3

Pillow (and ALL Matress pads on sale) - 2 for $4

Fake X-mas tress - 100$ off (cheaper than EVERY store!)

Fisher Price Toys - B1G1F

Nerf Guns - less than $5

54-pc Tupperware - $6

Appliances - $20 and less

Men Electric Shavers - $15 - $50

Conair (Hair, cosmetic, beauty stuffz) - 50% off

AND SOOO MANY OTHER GREAT DEALS!

OLD NAVY:

I almost forgot about old navy... there is only 1 reason to come here... JEANS JEANS JEANS JEANS!

All adult Jeans - $15

All kids Jeans - $10

Walgreens:

Just for a few things here and there for the light shopper still looking for a deal!

X-mas lights - $3.99 B1G1F

X-mas cards (24 and 36 pack) - $6 and less

Scotch Tape (3 pack) - $0.99

ONLY ON THANKSGIVING SALE

As seen on TV products - B1G1F

2-Litre of Soda - $0.88

Quotes and how they make me feel inside

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
-Elizabeth Stone


That describes me perfectly right now, and I"m Ready to allow my heart to walk around outside of my body, :)

and then

“I cannot forget my mother. Though she was not as sturdy as others, she is my bridge. When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely.” - Amy Saxon Bosworth


And that describes my mother perfectly. I cried when I read that because it was so true.

Hope, and the eternal spring it wells from.. :)

So Laura is Pregnant, Calleah is Pregnant, and I'm going to get pregnant this weekend.

I know I know, you all are thinking, "Sarah don't get your Hopes up, if it doesn't happen you'll be crushed, remember October?" Well My answer to you is yes, I remember October, I was crushed, but I'm more prepared now. and I have some advice on where to buy my "water" haha!

I found out that Calleah was Pregnant yesterday, and I was stoked for her, I asked her where she was getting whatever water she was drinking, and she laughed and said the liquor store. :)

So this weekend, I'm getting Eugene and myself really really drunk, and on sunday we are going to make a baby. :D

I know that's a bold statement to make, but you have no idea how serious I am about this.

Hope is what I'm living on, hope that I will indeed get the gift I've been waiting on.

Hope that I WILL get my Children. :)

Laura and Calleah, and Heather and I will all have babies within months of each other. We will all be amazing mothers, and we will all cherish the gift.

What I want to pass on the most to my children is that Hope is about believing with your heart that you will get what you wish for. :) Hope is about knowing the odds and wishing on the stars anyway. It's about understanding that Medicine, and Logic are not the answers to everything.

I am Hopeful.

What did I do on my saturday?

LAUNDRY, DISHES, MOVING HEAVY ASS FURNITURE, SORTED FABRICS, CLEANED LOFT AND ROOM( well at least I started too, it's a process)

Put away laundry, believe it or now I actually hung up clothes, and put others away in drawers, I have a few more loads of laundry to do, I was literally at the end of my wardrobe, I haven't wanted to do laundry since Florida haha.

did the Dishes, Made No Bake Cookies for Eugene and My Team at Work.

started on this damn giraffe hat that was ordered ( Difficult, can you say it with me?)

moved my dresser to the opposite side of my room, turned my bed so that it's now in the cubby that the cloest makes, right in front of the window. Moved the TV DVD player, and Wii from the loft intot he bedroom, long with all the movies and games. Making better use of the space in the bedroom, the loft needs to be cleared out a bit to START using it as a sewing room, until it's time for Baby, then I'll move all that stuff into the bedroom as well, and turn teh loft into a baby room, but that's future, NOW I have 5 drawers of different fabrics! I have 1 drawer of boy fabric, 2 drawers of all girl fabric, 1 drawer of IDK cause I wasn't willing to put too much effort into it fabric, and 1 drawer of outdoor fabric, like the kind of fabric you'd find on outdoor chair cushions.

And last but not least a bag filled with I think about 4 yards ( maybe more) of Fuzzy Leopard Print Fabric, that I'm wanting to make a blanket out of... I just need to get a nice brown satin or cotton for the backing, and some pretty brown fur to edge it with.

anyways, obviously, I've been a busy little bee, ttyl!

ps

I have an idea.... I think that while this is a sewing room, I'll have to make some fun decorations for the walls, like pirate bees, snorkeling bees, and fishies and such.

And I obviously need to get to work on learning to quilt. I have plenty of time I know, but I want to learn, so that I can get a few done, you never know how many little ones you will pop out when you are on fertility drugs, so might as well have three or four on hand. Not to mention, I want to make my own nursing wraps, and I'm thinking that I want to make my own slings too....

patterns patterns patterns.

Day one, Friday November 12th, 2010

Today is the first day of a new cycle, the last was 66 days long. That's insane, I had terrible back cramps all last night, and today have been having the usual front cramps.

Today is a good day, I mean I know it is, but there have been several unfortunate events that have colored it a little worse.

Guy followed me to work, pulled in behind me and starts yelling at me to learn to drive. Going to call the cops about that, in a few minutes

second, a family member thinks it's ok to tell teir children that gay people are just confused. *sigh* I need to find that number

ok my case number is 105060352, a detective will give me a call. I'm so upset and scared at the same time, that was a really awful thing to do to someone.



found the taser I want

http://crunchgear.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/hello-kitty-taser.jpg

HAHAHHAHHAHAH IT's HERE~~~

Apparently running brought on my period like nothing else could have!!

Wow! The back cramps just came in like a wave, you have no idea how painful they are. But I just keep thinking, it's for the baby, it's for the baby it's for the baby. :)

told Eugene that he's got 6 days to get ready ( Since right now it's so light that it's still old blood, and I won't count day one til I get new blood) But OMFG YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's finally here, I'm sooo mean and cranky right now, but FUCK YEAH it's worth it.

BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY!!!!!!

July will be the month of cancers in my home, Eugene and his twins/triplets. :D

ok back to work,just wanted to share the excitement!

I RAN!!!!!!!!

OMG GUYS!! today at the gym I was there alone, and I decided to try to run, you know, so if I failed no one would be there to see it, and I DID IT!!! I ran a total of .25 miles, I didn't do it all at once, I did it over the course of two miles, but I freaking DID IT! my heart rate went up over 200 both times, which is probably unhealthy as fuck but that's ok, because I DID IT!!!

2 miles done 1/4th of one run!

I'm stoked yall, really really stoked!

Met a guy in the gym ( He came in as I was heaving to get breath lol) who I talked to about fitness, and how he and I may be heavy, but the fact is that there were no skinny people in the gym, and that made us healthier by far than non exercising thin peeps.

I think that I made sense to him. :) I explained that regardless of what the scale says, the fact is that if you are in there and doing your aerobic exercise, then you were making your body a healthier place for your organs. That our hearts are slowly building stamina, as are our lungs, and arteries, and muscles, and that even if it didn't happen in a year, or two years, eventually, if we keep up with the exercise, we will be where we need to be to live out healthy long lives.

I left him with a smile, so I hope he doesn't give up.

I'm stoked that I did it, but now I hurt lol.

Quilting :) And Other stuff that makes me happy

Shopping list when I get my bonus

Dresden Ruler
6.5 inch square ruler
long ruler ( ALL CLEAR)

Large Quilting Mat
Olfa Rotary Cutters

Wooden table

Comfy Chair for sewing in


Now I have a huge master bedroom, so I plan to take a little bit of it, and turn it into my sewing area, :) /Excited!

I really want to start quilting, but need the above materials before I can, so I'll have to be all patient. I'm sorta ok with that LOL.

After that, everything needs to go to pay off the car. We have got to get it paid off asap, because I cannot afford 1k ever 6 months for bloody insurance! I just can't!

Also... WOOT for Eugene being such an amazing husband!

He got himself a thing of eggnog, I am lactose intolerant, I got home yesterday to a half gallon of chocolate milk in the fridge :) GO EUGENE!!!

Not to mention getting woken up with morning funsies ;) I adore that!

man I love my hubby, he's so good to me, letting me put up the tree three weeks before thanksgiving, letting me get into sewing even though he probably thinks it's a waste of money. And doing all he can to help me get reasy to have a baby!

I am blessed.

Quilting tutorials on youtube :)

http://www.youtube.com/user/MissouriQuiltCo

watch them and love them!!

tired nauseous, tired, nauseous, tired, naseous.... when does it end?

So this week I've been exhausted, I know it's only tuesday night and I'm already crying for mercy I'm so tired I feel all out of whack. I hate that. I think it's the provera, and the provera also can cause nausea.

So I suppose that since I took my last pill tonight, I'll start getting better soon. My main hope is that I start my cycle soon, I mean a 70 day cycle is retarded.

So yeah, I think that if I'm able to start my cycle I'll feel sooooooooo much better.

It will hurt, hell it already hurts, but at least then it would be over, this 70 days of evil depression.

And then we can try again, I'm moving out of my depression though, starting to feel hopeful, this month could be our month!

I want Triplets! ;)

Learning new things

So I'm going to be learning to quilt eventually. I'm pretty happy about it, I got my new sewing machine and a bunch of accouterments over the weekend from a craigslist add.80 bucks for a ton of stuff! I even got a button hole foot and a zipper foot... and even some fabric :)

And my sister in law gave me some fabric too, and my old senior from work is going to bring me some too! :) I'm pretty excited. Just you know, have to figure out what to do. I want to make things to bring warmth to people's lives.

Both Heather and this blog inspired me to do this..
http://terificreations.wordpress.com/tag/life/

That free motion quilt is the most beautiful think I ahve ever seen. and I want to be that good someday.


So I"m going to start reading and figure out how to block, and how to start setting about making a quilt, and hopefully have one made by the time Eugene and I have our first baby. I think it's completely possible. And I hope that I can make it beautiful.... :)

Anyways, that's all I have.

Cycle 2 provera day 9 in the 60's of my cycle

It's been a long long 15 days yall.

tomorrow is day 10 ( The last day) Of provera. Then we wait for the cycle to start over, and we count to day 5, and I start taking 100 mg a day for 5 days of clomid.

I've been having issues with a friend, who continues to say thoughtless things. I am thoughtless sometimes, but not to this extent. She doesn't get it though, she thinks I only get mad because it's her, but I"m not even kidding, if anyone said " Don't eat all the cookies by yourself ;)" I would be mad, I don't care who it was. My best friend Heather, kyrie, and Jessica, they know better than to say something like that. I wouldn't eat a whole 4 dozen cookies by myself, and her saying that was just fucked up.

So yeah, that hurt alot. I'm not sure how to react to it. she said she didn't mean it like that, but it was just so dickish... IDK yall I just don't know.

Whatever, I'm trying to move on, and not be so emotional, but the provera isn't helping, Heather knows that I mean when I say that!

oh well, we will be trying again in a few days to 2 weeks, depending on when my cycle decides to start. That's really all I have, other than the fact taht I"m exhausted, spent the weekend with my step son and Eugene putting up the tree and christmas shopping and such.

later

I need a pitcher of margeritas

So today as you know is day two of the provera.

I have decided that saturday night will be my last lushy night, I would LOVE for some friends to come over and celebrate it with me, but Laura works, Heather works, Amanda may or m ay not be able to come, and Misty will be out of town. That's ok, I've decided that if all else fails, I'm going to just drink alone!

At this point I just don't care, as long as I get a drink.

I had such a long hard week, it was beautiful, and I loved every minute that I got to spend with my family, but it also broke my heart.

Gary went in for Chemo on Monday, and the next day, Aunt Cindy noticed he looked yellow in the eyes, told the dr and he's got raised billium levels, he's jaundiced basically. So they give him an ultrasound of the liver, and find trouble, so they pet scan him to get a better view.....

he's got more tumors growing.

He was hit so hard by that, I think it just took his energy away from him.

I know he's struggling to believe in his own healing. So I am going to believe even harder for him.he will make it, and he will be whole again. :)


He will be there to hold his grand children, and walk my sisters down the aisle, and be apart of their whole life. He will. :) I just know it!

Anyways, I was busy trying to be as helpful as I could for them while I Was there, and I think that I did a good job, I hope I was able to be a blessing to them.

by now I am sure you can see why I need a drink, not to mention the freaking drive there and back... which is horrendous btw, absolutely horrendous! I think it's time for Sarah to get her drink on. I haven't had a drink in months, haven't wanted to chance it, but since this is cycle two of provera, and I'm on day 2 of it, i am absolutely positive that I am not pregnant. Therefore it's ok, this once to relax just a bit. And get drunk. :)

My wish is that I get pregnant this month,and give birth in July or August. To healthy baby(ies)I think I deserve that much. :)


Ok my lunch is nearly over, and my pills ahve been downed, and my head feels a bit better now that i've gotten the awful news out of the way.

ok!!!! It's november first!

Today is day two of provera, and hopefully soon we will see some real results, case you know it's like day 56 I think with no bleeding?

ugh

anyways, lets all just hope that this months clomid use really does work! I want to be able to really really celebrate this christmas, not be all sad about it....


ok I need food, ttyl

A Beautiful week, Sad to see it ending, Believing in strength to see us all through, and new beginnings!

Dear Goddess,

This week has been amazing, I have spent so much time with Annie Cassie and Merry, and Cindy and Gary too. And I've been able to be a servant and show your light and love to the whole family. I've been able to show them that you can be morally strong, and have that inner peace even if you aren't a Traditional "christian". And I hope that helps them to stop worrying about me.

What I also hope is that the terrible blows we've been given this week come to an end. Gary had to stop Chemo because he was looking yellow, he went in for an ultra sound only to find that there was a thickening ( a mass we think) so today he went and got a pet scan and was told that the chemo has not been working that the tumors are growing and that he has to try a new drug on monday.

I'm crushed, absolutely crushed. This is my moment of weakness, because I BELIEVE that he will get better, I know that he will, and therefore I have no fear of him dying.

as terrible as this situation is, it's just there to test our strength. So I'm believing that he will be healed. :)



Not to mention that this is day 53 and I spotted a little tiny bit. I need to go out in a few minutes and drop off my prescriptions to get my provera and clomid started. I want to get that started asap. so that that spotting turns into more, I need to clean out the uterus again. and then we will try again for those beautiful babies. :)

We will try again for that wonderful family.

I want to be able to show my whole family my babies! :)


I will upload all of our pictures probably on sunday and you will get to see some of them then :) The rest will be on my facebook lol.


The beach has been amazing, the trip has been amazing, the drive was exhausting, bu soooooo worth it. As long and exhausting as the drive was, I'm stoked to go home and see my hubby!!!!

He's such an amazing man, and seeing his smile will make all the driving totally worth it. :)


will write more about my blog when I get home, just assuring you all that I"m alive. MWAH!

Ready to GO GO GO!!!!

I am officially on Vacation!!

so far I have cleaned and vacuumed the car, gotten together all the clothes I'm going to need, folded and packed them all, packed my shoes, and most of the puppy's things together already.

lost my damn key to my parents house. Stupid key. >.< I kept it for YEARS and I lose it now? stupid stupid stupid key!

anyways just updatesing!

I'm going to take 290 to houston, then I10 to baton rouge ( If I get there soon enough I'll stop for some food) and then I12 til it turns back into I10, and all the way to the parents house :)

I hope this doesn't happen every time.

I feel so lost and upset.

like I have no reason for anything

which I KNOW is complete BS I have Eugene and Malachai, and all the other friends and family that love me... but I just feel like a shell. like i'm empty, like I should have something more in my life by now ( Hello baby dreams)

I'm still ready with a laugh alot, and still pretty happy mostly, but times like these when I'm home alone and just know that I should be working on growing a mini me.....it's depressing.

I just kinda want to run away.

which is silly I know

but now it's been over 2 years, almost 3 since we started trying. and still no lasting pregnancy has come out of it.

I try so hard to get excited about it, but my heart feels ripped out. and I just don't know how to get my happy back


Hoping that my week in fl, where I will be playing mommy to three teenage girls while my aunt and uncle recuperate will make me feel better.


I need the beach and the sand and my girls with me, so that we can just chillax and take life one easy slow vacation paced day at a time. .... I need a stroller......

Just trying to hold back the tears, Cycle two incoming 100 mg clomid

I find myself breaking down alot today, trying my damndest not to, but I"m just really depressed.

Will be working on getting my happy back in the next week.

Made up with Laura, it's not her fault that she was excited, and while i"m still hurt, I have to forgive her and move the hell on.

I know that, and I did forgive her, my breaking down has nothing to do with her

it has to do with the fact that I"m still not pregnant, still not expecting that wonderful bundle.

ugh

I am not entirely sure what to do with myself.

I found a ton of youtube videos that were nice and informative and helpful, made me feel better that i'm not so alone here.


So while I"m in florida, probably wednesday, I'll start taking the provera, so that hopefully I start bleeding when I get back home to Texas... 5 days of provera, and then on days 5 -9 100mg of clomid ( That's two pills a day) and lots and lots of sex while the pills are there, and after, and yeah haha, just lots of sex.


so yeah.

I know that I have alot to look forward to, and I have alot to be thankful for now.

but I'm still depressed that I have to wait even longer.

I'm hopeful that my miracle will be given to me sooner rather than later.

Dear Vacation, please get here fast, I need you so badly.

Getting Over it

So Today let me outline what happened.

I found out that i wasn't pregnant, I told Laura and Heather that I wasn't pregnant

Laura texted me a picture of her positive pregnancy test.

I don't care if she mean to or not.

it hurt

and I said things that probably hurt her

not that I didn't mean them, I mean it's really not fair. This whole situation sucks.

But I have a choice

I can accept that it happened for a reason and move on

or I can be a bitter bitter bitch

and since I CAN'T be a bitter bitter bitch for more than a few hours at a time, I've decided to move on.

Laura, I'm sorry I reacted badly to the text message, you hurt me, and I responded. Not because you are pregnant, I'm so freaking happy for you about that, but because you chose today to spring the news... you've known for weeks that today is my day.


whatever.

I'm trying to get over it.

The week in florida will help I hope.

It will give me time away from work, and texas, and hopefully be relaxing, not restful, since I'll be all over the place, but at the very least i hope that it's relaxing....


anyways.

I'm done


I refuse to go to bed angry.

Grats on the pregnancy Laura. Hope that you get your girl.

so so so depressed and angry right now

but all that's coming out is poison and anger, sooooooooooooooo


I"m just updating, I'm not Pregnant

Laura is

/depressed

why can't the rule follower prosper just once?

Day 42

So today is day 42, no bleeding, but I've had so much gas, gas , gas, gas, heartburn from hell, and I keep randomly finding vomit in my throat. >.>

I have weird bumps on my breasts, I have weird cervical mucus, And I"m exhausted but just lay in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come to me, leaving me even more exhausted.

Tomorrow, day 43 is the appointment to say for sure if I'm pregnant, or just super duper fucked up in my head. I'm staying positive about it, because even if I'm not pregnant this month, there is always november ( And the pills to make that hppen will be prescribed at this visit if I';m not prego)

I've been certain all week that I am pregnant, I feel it... but it's possible that I"m just too hopeful, which would suck, but I'll handle that when it happens.

For now, I have butterflies that are floating around with that gas LOL :) If I am pregnant it's only a few weeks, at best, honestly 3 weeks at the very very most, but since they use your LMP I will be 43 days pregnant haha! 43 days pregnant.... wow... well.. actually I"m not sure if they use the first day of your lmp , or the last day of the lmp.. I'll have to look that up...


ok it's the FIRST day of your LMP

which means since I last began menstruation on 9/06/2010 my fertility window was 9/16/2010-09/26/2010, and I probably conceived on 9/21/2010, and I am 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant, and would have an estimated due date of 06/14/2011

PLease keep in mind thast the above paragraph is only true is I actually am pregnant, and it's possible that I"m not.

Of course then there is my horoscope for the day which is :

today's horoscope :
children rarely wake up with yesterdays worry on their mind, they are blessed with the ability to greet each day with hopeful expectation, this is as much or as little, of a policy as you need to adopt, there's going to be an adventure of some kind, you're going to be taken care of, regardless of what else happens, what else do you require, then, other than an open mind and a degree of enthusiasm, overcome your sense of exhaustion or exasperation, it's time to rediscover how rewarding life can be.

and my tarot card today was the King of Swords... :)

Just an interesting day all around

And worriesome I guess... I don't know guys....

I'll post more tomorrow.

WOW day 36!!

It's day 36 and there is no sign of bleeding!!!!! so yeah... I was wondering why the tests were still negative, but then I realized that of course they are going to be! I am on day 36 sure, but I didn't start ovulating until the somewhere between the 23rd and the 28th, because I didn't stop bleeding untill the 14th... so in my head I've been thinking that 36 days I should get a positive if it's positive, when technically, it's not been long enough for me to say one way or the other.

I'm being good and not obsessing. so that's good. but I kinda want to obsess... I won't though, I will behave...


I( got a new phone! it's a palm pre and I love it! It's soooooo sophisticated!!! :D :D :D touch screen ftw!

I'm really really really tired atm, going home and going straight to bed. :)

Day 34....

So it's day 34, and I'm kinda starting to freak out just a little bit, my cycle has not started over, soooooooooo IDK good thing or a bad thing I just don't know. Good thing would be YAY PREGNANT bad thing would be that I need to be kept on progesterone and clomid until my cycles work correctly, I take my next test tomorrow when I wake up, and I'm impatient for the results that I want to pop up and of course worried that they won't.

That puffyness that I wrote about in one of my journals has not gotten away.. so IDK

on a happier note, I totally did my first 5k!!!! It took an hour and 16 minutes, however I think that's because we stopped to rest/wait for people in our party to catch up. I don't care HOW LONG it took, I'm just stoked that we actually did it.. You know?

And I'm going to start doing 1 5k a month with Laura, in Georgetown, because it's only 1 dollar for adults!! it's a great course, and it's good for training, we will walk, jog, run, walk, jog, run until we just run all the time.

I want to be able to run a full marathon one day.. so I"m going to work my way up to that.

Day 32... no bleeding WOW!

So today is day 32, no bleeding,I'm just... WOW you know? JUST WOW!

I feel the excitement in my gut... :)because I really really think that I"m pregnant guys..... 2.5 hours away from being on day 33, and I"m so positive!

You can literally FEEL the difference in the tummy fat that I have and the firmness just above my pelvic bone.... I know it doens't make sense but there it is!

Also... :) I'M doing a Marathon Tomorrow!~~!!! Pictures will totally be uploaded!

Heather and Laura will both be there :)

And That's about all for now I don't have much time... but yeah YAY for thinking I"m PREGNANT! ACK!

day 30, worked out a bit hard..

So today was Heather and I's first time in the Gym together, I did 2 miles! the problem is that I think I pushed myself a bit too enthusiastically.. and so I'll have to tone it down from now on.

the reason I say this is because I sat down at my desk after my shower and felt a bit of cramping, nothing serious, but it was uncomfortable, and it went on for about 5 minutes... so far it hasn't come back, but I'm now worried.

*sigh* Oh well we will see I called for an appointment and got one for October 19th, at 3:15 pm, only appointment available before I go out of town. Soooooooooo hopefully I didn't fuck anything up. I kinda got hit with some guilt about it.

I was feeling really great, I mean 2 miles YEAH!~ Worked out for 40 minutes WOOT! tomorrow I'm going to stick to 3.2 and not up it to 3.8, I will only do 30 minutes and not over do it.

I'm just hoping and praying that the dreaded aunt flow doesn't rear her ugly head....

*sigh*

Cycle day 29... * YAWN*

I slept from 4:30 to 2:15, woke up quite a few times, but forced myself back to sleep, and I"m just exhausted.

I cannot do that gym after work thing, I"m just too tired for it, I will have to do it before work only. Which will be hard on mondays, but I will start doing it on tuesdays and slowly work my way up.

I can feel the haze of sleep hovering over me, waiting to attack! :P I think todays lunch will be nap time in the quiet room, because man I"m just exhausted!( yes I know I got approximately 9.5 hours of sleep, but it was interrupted to much it may as well have been two hours!)

still no sign of the dreaded period, so that's a happy experience! I'm hoping that my test on the 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, or 15th shows positive results. :D

Eugene woke up when I got home last night,a nd he was pretty grumpy, I tried to get him to just take a muscle relaxer and pass out, but he didn't want to, so whatever., He cut his hair and trimmed his beard, by that time it was 4 and I just couldn't stay awake to wait for him to be with me anymore, so I said fuck it and went to bed.

have I mentioned that i"m ready to curl up in a ball and sleep?

anyways, took a nice hot shower today, that was nice, but a cold one may have woken me up more. might be splashing water on my face as the night goes on.

I'm actually eating breakfast! YAY cereal and yogurt.

I had mac n cheese for dinner last night and my body was like oh fuck you bitch, you do not eat dinner! *sigh* so now my tummy has changed from sick in just the mornings to sick in the mornings and evenings.. which admittedly are swapped for me, but still!

ok I ahve to get to work, brought my what to eat when you're expecting book with me to take notes on my breaks for the other blog

laters.