*sigh* it's not bad news, but we just don't know yet

So I went to the dr today, and he did an exam, he looked at my tummy, and felt it, and said that it feels like the fat there is thinner, which he says is a very good thing and a sign that the metformin is working!

then he did the whole speculum thing and said that it all looks good, he can't say for sure that I"m prgnant right now, but advised me to continue having intercourse and to come back in 5 weeks ( 6 weeks from the 10th) So I'll make an appointment some time this week for october 15th to see what we can see :)

He said that because of the length of time between my latest period and the one before that ( About 6 months without new blood) he was not at all surprised with the amount of blood, the length of the bleeding, or the amount of clotting that was passed, he said that my body had needed to get rid of that and that may have been why I was getting sick so often ( build up in toxins in teh tissue) and that I'm much healtheier looking now

He did the hand up the vajayjay thing while palpating my uterus from the outside and said that he was very happy to report that this time he could feel my fundus( top of the uterus) much easier than he had last time, and he thought that was an excellent sign again of the Metformin working correctly. so that's good

he talked to me about how my clothes were fitting, and I told him about how I went to go buy new pants and now they fall off of me, he was very happy to hear this, and said that even though the weight loss hasn't been as dramatic as he anticipated, what he was seeing with the thinning of the fat in my stomach and hips/thighs, he was very happy with the drugs performance.

I did tell him about my aversion to dairy while on metformin, and assured him that regardless of that I was still getting my calcium in through calcium enriched foods and juices, he was happy to hear that, as well as that I was getting all my fruits and veggies in via v8, he was totally grossed out by the omegrantie blueberry flavored tomato juice which I found amusing, ( Since I hate that flavor too) But intrigued that I really enjoyed the strawberry banana, and said that he would have to try that as well.

Anyways yeah, in 5 weeks I go back to the dr for another pelvic exam as well as a urine test :)

AND tonight at work I start working out in the gym on my lunch. ( Just walking ont he treadmill but YEAH!)

and TOMORROW Heather is going to start joining me three days a week :) I'm thinking that we will actually come in early for those sessions, and then the sessions that I I do on lunch will be mon-tuesday which are her days off. :)


So I'm really happy to have someone to work out with, who I can really really talk to.

YAY ALL THIS CRAP OFF OF MY CHEST WOOT!

wOw.....

so last night was Eugene's Saturday, and My sunday, this is our first off weekend together, though to be honest it was kinda nice :)

best part I think was that I got laid last night ( For hours) And you know it's usual for me to prgasm several times, but Eugene is one time and he's done... this time he orgasmed( in cluding ejaculation) Three times... it was so fantastic!! I've never seen him orgasm multiple times before, so as much as he wring me out, I wrung him out too!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol did my normal thing after sex with the pillow under the butt, woke up this morning and went to the bathroom only to find the marks of our fun on my neck WHOOPSIE! :P we um... yeah.. haha! so now I have a hickie which is hillarious.. :)

Anyways, my hair is a wild mess, and I"m kinda.. woozie in my feet and have a grumbly tummy, but I think that a long hot shower will fix that! :D WOOOT!


Dr's appointment tomorrow at 2pm, and I cannot freaking WAIT! YEAH!

nice poem

A Wee Bit of Heaven

A wee bit of heaven

Drifted down from above

A handful of happiness

A heart full of love

A mystery of life

So sacred and so sweet

The giver of joy

So deep and complete.

Precious and priceless

So lovable too

The world’s sweetest miracle

Baby, it’s you.

- By Helen Steiner Rice

Processed foods a no no? Spotting.. sorta?

So my tummy is making it abundantly clear that it hates processed foods, I can eat peaches, and bananas and apples and lettuce and some cheeses, but pizza, or tacobell, or anything like that at all and pretty much all dairy, is making me run for the bathroom... so sad ahh well


And as to the spotting thing that happened today, it wasn't spotting really, there was the slightest tinge of red, and I went back to investigate with a fresh piece of tp and got these weird little red specks, not sure what that was about, but ahh well :) Tuesday ( That's TWO DAYS!) is my dr's appointment, so I will just have to wait until then to figure it out! :D :D :D

Though I might mention that my breasts mainly my left one, have been aching for hours, like literally ACHING, not because I"m touching them, just aching for no reason at all, so I will bring that up in the appointment

Oh boy Oh Boy Oh Boy!! or will it be a girl? lol

Today Heather and I went to Babies R Us, and made our registries, and then Laura and I went to Target and made our registries... :)
http://www.target.com/registry/baby/34BG438I62E2X

That's mine for Target

and for Babies R US my registry number is Registry #: 46003300

So no we don't know anything for sure yet, and that's ok, we may not be pregnant at all, I wouldn't care, honestly, what's exciting for me, is that we have the ability to throw all of this out into the universe to begin with, it's good Karma to expect the best and then prepare for it, it lets the universe know that you truly are ready. When you expect the best but prepare for the worst you undermine everything you are hoping for!

Today's life lesson, do not expect/prepare for the worst, because then it will happen. ( That's not to say don't be a girl scout, I mean be prepared with oinments and bandages and a spare tire of course) But emotionally only prepare for good things, the bad things you shouldn't waste your life dwelling on.


Anyways, Thank you Laura, and Heather for spending a fantastical day with me :D


After Laura left tonight, I did a load of Laundry, a Load of Dishes, Vaccumed the living room, swept the kitchen, pulled the cushions off the couch and vacummed, in so doing found my Sons' MP3Player, which has been missing for 6 weeks ( Haha I hardly ever clean the couch) And my Tarot cards which had been missing for a week or two :)

I have the makings for a really yummy salad ready for tommorrow, and not I think it's time to write in my journal and get my ass to bed. :) Good night world!

inexplicably happy :)

Hey guys, I know my last posts have been kinda down in the dumps, you know with all the emotional ninjas and what not, but this emotional ninja can stay forever!!!

I sent Eugene and email at work last night, telling him that I was totally in the mood if he was, and he replied that we would see.. which usually means no... however I totally got woken up to the best sex I have ever had ( I know I say that alot, but it gets progressively better as time goes on :P)

it was amazing, and after wards, Eugene put the pillow under my butt ( that's the technique we use to make sure that the sperm get the optimum use out of gravity and gets to it's appointment like it's supposed to :P) for me.... he actually did it FOR ME... it was insane, and he told me not to move, or get up, and to just go to sleep , and that he loved me.... it was amazing.

So I woke up at about 12:45 with the wildest hair you could possibly imagine, and a goofy smile on my face... I can't seem to get it OFF my face and it's been 45 minutes! LOL

Having his support in this baby making Endeavor has made everything soooooooo much better, I can't even tell you, the sun is brighter, the clouds are more beautiful, the grass is greener, and the swaying in the grass is this side of heaven... hmmmmmmmmmm bursting with love and pride and appreciation makes the whole world seem better some how... :)


Dr's appointment on tuesday, Today is NOT thursday as I thought, it is actually friday! YIPEEEE! so that's exciting :D

and... I"m just happy... so freaking happy...

Really in 4 days I will find out if we are going to have a baby, and that is awesome in and of itself, but... well.. just today, this week.. this month really.. has been just what I thought it would be, Fall is bringing a season of JOY into my life, and I'm just trying to keep myself open for it! <3

How I'm feeling on cycle day 17....

I'm feeling incredibly nauseated, that's how I'm feeling, and I can't even blame this on the met formin, because the nausea always subsides by lunch and I take the met formin right at lunch. and within 20 minutes I"m sick to my stomach again, but that only lasts a few hours. It goes away in time for me to go home, work out, shower and get to bed, but it always comes back with a vengence in teh morning, I have to coach myself out of bed slowly, and get to the bathroom before I puke, if I'm able to puke, When I DO puke I feel GREAT the rest of the day, but sadly, I haven't been able to as often as I'd like ( Which sounds totally counter intuitive since no one should really WANT to puke, but it brings relief until I take the metformin again) So I have to deal with nausea more often than not.

Emotional Ninjas continue to creep up on me, not really anger so much as differeing wildly between insanely happy, and bursting into tears at the faint memory of having a child in my arms in a past life. ... I can remember it :) It's beautiful... Can't wait to have it again.

yeah it's weird, September took sooooooooooo long to get here and now it's almost over! I'm shocked! But that means that I'm that much closer to my dr's appointment about the pregnancy, I am still hoping that I am pregnant, but have decided that if I'm not, aside from the wild crying that we all know will ensue, I will be ok with waiting to try again next month. Maybe I"ll get lucky. maybe I won't. But I won't stop trying!! :D

Soooooooooooooo yeah... about that purplish blue cervix..

The bleeding has mostly stopped, I don't find it every time I go to the bathroom now, and that's amazingly good Karma IMO.

As you know if you read my last post, the dr thinks I am ( Or at least was) pregnant, and I don't know if it was hearing that, that did this, or if it's real pregnancy symptoms * The mind is terribly strong you know* but I have been getting sick to my stomach alot lately. Juice peaces and frozen grapes is pretty much all I can get down without feeling like I wast to puke. But that didn't start happening til after the whole, " In my professional opinion" words were uttered thing.. the emotional ninjas though, that was happening well before I got that news. I have had bouts of crying for no reason, intense rage, sensitivity, and all that crap for the last three weeks. I've been trying to keep it all together, but I feel like I"m falling apart.

I don't take a pregnancy test until September 27th, and I hope it's positive, but getting my hopes up is the WORST POSSIBLE IDEA EVER. I know that, and I know that with how I am, it's even worse than the worst possible idea ever. it's a terrible idea, HORRIBLE IDEA. just a bad idea... but I can't help but hope for it. I want it so badly, i dream about it every damn time I sleep. Me waking up to feed the baby, or me picking my son up from school and being so proud of his yellow star sticker. Me kissing his bobos.... I am so hopeless when it comes to not getting my hopes up it's not even funny.

it's day 14 of my cycle, and I'm a mess. an absolute terrible mess. I have so much to be happy and thankful for! SO MUCH!

So I'm going to try to focus on that,

later

Hormonally responsive much?

So it's been a while since my last post, here's the deal. I started taking provera on august 27th, and clomid on September 2nd, on Monday, September 6th I was lightly spotting, just a barely there sort of red tinge to the toilet paper. Then Tuesday it got stronger, and started being a real period, but then on Wednesday I was hit with a deluge, I was wearing two maxi pads at a time, and soaking through them within 3 hours, passing clots like you would not believe ( I have a picture!) so I figured Good! Get it all out! YAY! the pain I could handle, because it meant I was that much closer to my goal of becoming pregnant! :) til saturday, when I began soaking through 2 pads at a time in 2 hours that averages out to a pad an hour, and that's alot of blood loss. I went to a party with my team on sunday, and had to leave after only four hours, because even though I was wearing 3 maxi pads, I had managed to bleed through and soak my jeans ( Embarassing much?) So at about 4am monday morning, the pain was so great, and the bleeding so extensive, I finally went to the ER where I was taken into the back, and given a pelvic exam. What worried me was that he said I needed a pregnancy test immediately, and I peed in the cup like they told me, but told the dr that at most I was 1 week pregnant, and that implantation probably hadn't even occurred yet, he gave me a worried glance, and I started freaking out.

Of COURSE the test came back negative, but here is the part I haven't told anyone, he said that it was his professional opinion that I am pregnant, because of the look of a cervix. IDK how it looks, but apparently it looks pregnant, so I have been in a state of fear that I am going to fail a 3rd time and lose this baby too. I don't know what I would do... but I suppose until I see the dr, after the bleeding stops, I just won't know anything for sure. All I can do is hope and pray that if I really am pregnant I stay that way. And If I don't stay that way, or I am not actually pregnant, I get pregnant very soon. Because it's my opinion as a woman, that I fucking deserve this.

ok, so I'm glad to have gotten that off of my chest, finally. I couldn't even tell Laura or heather because everytime I started to text about it I was immediately wracked with sobs thinking about my failure, and even here at work, I'm in tears. I'm trying to be strong and hope for the best. It's just really hard, and I'm still bleeding! I had to stay home from work on monday and tuesday because of the blood loss and an upper respiratory infection that completely couched me. but wednesday and yesterday at work I had to leave at lunch to go home and change, because the bleed through was that bad. I'm wearing two over nights again today, and hoping that the bleeding has lessened, but the cramps make me think that I"m not that lucky, not to mention when I got up this morning I soaked the towel I have been keeping by my bed for this very reason. *sigh*

on the bright side, I was able to crochet several hats, 6 adult and 5 baby hats. :)

So that's nice. I am trying to be bright side Sarah, it's freaking hard because I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, but the bible is right on some things " This too shall pass".

until it does I guess I'll just have to make sure to eat right, and stay as comfortable as I can, meaning snuggling on the couch with Eugene for our last weekend together, and crocheting more hats.

I guess that's another thing to talk about, Eugene and I got different shifts, and even though we requested that his schedule get changed to mine, it was not. This makes us both very sad, on the one hand, it means that my saturday nights are free to hang out with Laura, on the other hand it means that I will miss my sweet honey bunny very much. We didn't even get similar hours, I got 4pm to 1am and he got 10pm to 7am. :( I am hoping that this is really a good thing and that we will grow closer through this separation, but I haven't really accepted that. Right now, with all my wounds so raw, it simply feels like the knife is being plunged a little bit deeper into my heart. I'm losing precious time with my best friend. :(

ok I have been blogging for too long, and throwing this pity party isn't going to help anyone. I'm going to go and try to paste teh smile back on my face.

I feel like I have a vampire on my vagina

lol I know that was fucking weird as a title, but I don't really know how else to express this. I have never had a period this heavy in my entire life, the dr told me that the meds should only produce light bleeding, trust me ladies, 3 maxies in 5 hours is not light, in fact it's the heaviest I've bled since my last major miscarriage in 2009.

and it's been going on for only 3 days? really? why does it feel as if it's been going on for weeks? lol I"m such a wimp! Heather dealt with this for like 6 months before it stopped, and I'm just betting that mine only lasts a few more days at most.

I think that sometimes I offend Heather with my honesty, I agree that in public a woman should cover up, ( not because it's indecent, but because some men can't handle the sight without having to touch) but that at home you shouldn't have to, and IDk she just seems more withdrawn... Not sure how I can fix that, because it's what I believe. and I don't want to change that. Maybe it's the vehemence with which I stated my opinion, I 'm not sure. but I hope she knows that it was not aimed at her at all, it was aimed at anyone who looks disapprovingly me while I'm trying to feed my baby.


Anyways, one of these days the bleeding will stop :) And then I will get back to normal ish... that will be good I think.

later all

ow ow ow ow ow Doc! It hurts!

So it's been a good week, I suppose, full of weirdness, and some pain, but basically a good week, at the very least, it hasn't been a bad week...


Malachai has Pneumonia in his Right lung, but the Dr's think he will be fine if he treats it like he's supposed to. spent 5 or 6 hours in the er with him for that, as well as some time eating and filling his prescriptions.


Saturday and Monday Eugene and I had some really amazingly fantastical sex :D It was phenomenal both times! I started spotting tuesday, and wednesday it got heavier, and today it's full blown bleeding with clots and everything. Ick right? Right. So I flipped my shit, thinking that for fucks sake, how is it even fair that I have my period a day after we have sex on Clomid?!?!?! But I called the DR, he said it was normal, and that since it takes 7-14 days for implantation to occur after the fertilization has occurred, I was fine. That the period doesn't flush the fallopian tubes, it only makes the uterus shed it's lining, and that since my uterine lining was always thick, even after I had my period( Yes my body is weird ok?) that it would still be a perfectly habitable place for an egg to nest in. I was mollified to hear that, and even read up on implantation here : http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/conception-implantation.html : It's a great site, has tons of great info, and I use it quite often.


I made a new friend today :) Her name is Bre Bader, i was making myself some breakfast tea( caffeine please) and she was washing her breast pumps in the sink, I just asked her if it was difficult to express at work, and she said no it wasn't, and it wasn't awkward until a guy saw what she was doing and backed away.. then it got a bit weird. I thought that was funny. We started talking about conceiving and how Eugene and i were trying, and she was very encouraging! I'm glad that I made her acquaintance, I added her on Face book, per her request, and I think we will be good friends. She's really really sweet, and it was so nice to actually TALK to someone who was going through the expressing milk stage as opposed to reading about it, you know?


Anyways, here is hoping that by September 27th I'll have a positive pregnancy test, and if not, that's fine too, I am willing to wait as long as I need to to get pregnant with Simon ( I think I called him that in my dream because I haven't fully decided on his name, and our last name is simons)

I'm also still hoping for Twins! That would be lovely :D

but again whatever I get is good enough for me!

have a great day everyone!

Baby dancing the weekend away

I love saying that :) We started out the weekend in a fight, but ended the weekend snuggling, and that's awesome!

we only had sex twice, but I"m ok with that, the first time was.. um.. well it was good, and I thought really good until the next bout.. :). but the second time? HOLY FREAKING CRAP! that was the sweetest, most amazing, beautiful sex ever. And after we made love, he went downstairs to cook me breakfast tacos. :) I put my butt up, as it says to do in every fertility book I have read, and waited to pee until 30 minutes after sex. I tried to wait longer, but there was no way I could hold it lol.

I can't even describe how sexy I felt, I had gone upstairs to take a bath and wait for him to come to me, ( He was playing star craft 2) and I fell asleep, and the wonderful man woke me up! :D I was really proud of him. ... it was worth the wake up call!! I went back to bed by 8:30. :)

so in between these two lovely events, I got to see Heather and Laura, and I learned how to make the beginning of a hat, but since I"m not entirely sure what to do from now I've started decreasing my rounds, hoping that's the right path. :)


oooo I ate three baby carrots today! and I can't eat any more of them, my tummy is like OMG EWWW GROSS! lol so is my palette, but I"m proud that I ate that many. :)


we went grocery shopping together, and had a good time actually :) Eugene found Iron man on blue ray for 20 bucks, so we got it, watched it, and it was awesome :D Now I really want to see iron man 2!!!


When we bought groceries, I kept the what to eat when you're expecting food guide in mind and shopped thoughtfully, with an eye on the labels, and was really proud of my haul!

I got calcium fortified oj
Fat free milk
2% chocolate milk ( Yum yum yum)
Carrots
peaches
nectarines
bananas
whole wheat oat flour cereal( labels prove it!)
and much much more in the realm of healthy food, that I can't remember right now, but wrote down earlier at home, so I can do a blog dedicated to it. :)

the trick I have found is to get the stuff that's good for you, that you know you will eat, and still get one or two of the items that you really want, like my bluecorn tortilla chips( good source of lycopene btw!) and french onion dip ( Calcium anyone?) that may help you get your daily dozen :)


well I hope that was informative, and I'll blog again later


oh btw 3 weeks.. and I'll take a test that is September 27th!!!!

The pregnancy healthy eating quiz I took!~

Remember ladies, that you are choosing the most likely, the food substances won’t be exact, especially for Laura and myself :D And this is what you normally do, not what you did today. 

My typical breakfast consists of:
a) Bacon and eggs, wheat toast with margarine, calcium fortified oj,
b) Cheerios, with skim milk, and grapefruit( or some other fruit) on the side
c) Fruit loops no milk



My typical lunch consists of:
a) Tuna salad on an onion bagel, bag of chips
b) Grilled chicken with arugula, roasted red pepper, mozzarella cheese, and portabella mushroom, on multigrain bread
c) Chocolate from the vending machine

My typical dinner consists of :
A) Canned veggie soup, 2 slices of frozen pizza, and frozen yogurt
B) Grilled fish, Broccoli and cheddar on a baked potato with skin, red leaf lettuce salad and fresh fruit
C) Fast food burger, fries, apple pie, coffee with creamer

Early morning meeting leaves no time for breakfast so you grab:

A) Corn muffin and a decaf latte
B) Yellow peach and a carton of yogurt( any fruit really)
C) A prenatal vitamin and can of diet soda

A typical snack during the day is :
A) Packaged crackers and cheese
B) Dried apricots and walnuts
C) Potato chips and onion dip

Your favorite fruit is:
a) Raisins
b) Cantaloupe
c) Fruit roll up

How many fruits do you eat daily?
A) 1-2
B) 4-4
C) Does a fruit roll up count?

How do you get your vitamin c?

A) A glass of orange juice
B) A fresh orange
C) Prenatal vitamin

Your total calcium intake for the day usually includes:
A) Calcium fortified OJ cheese on pizza( yes that really counts) Frozen Yogurt
B) Skim milk in cereal, fruit and yogurt smoothie, cheese sandwich, steamed broccoli
C) The yellow square they out on burgers…. And how about that creamer?


The color of your bread is?
A) White
B) Brown
C) I gave up bread because it’s a carb

What types of drinks do you have in your fridge?
A) 2 percent milk and apple juice
B) Skim milk, calcium fortified oj, water( sparkling counts too)
C) Diet Soda

What’s in your freezer?
A) Frozen Pizza, Frozen Chicken Nuggets, Frozen Yogurt
B) Frozen Veggies, Veggie Burgers, Blueberries
C) Frozen Candy Bars

Your Salad is made out of :
A) Ready- made iceberg mix with carrots and cabbage, cucumbers
B) Romaine lettuce, red peppers, tomato, sunflower seeds
C) What’s a salad?

Your Favorite Grain is :
A) Quick brown rice in a bag
B) Bulgur wheat or Quinoa
C) White rice

What’s in your pantry?
a) Canned fruit in syrup
b) Canned fruit in water
c) Candy

How many glasses of fluids do you have a day?
A) About 6
B) At least 8
C) Coffee counts… right?

Your Favorite desert is:
A) Fresh Peach Pie
B) Fresh Peaches
C) Death by Chocolate cake

When you want something to munch on while watching tv you reach for :
A) Salted pretzels
B) Raw vegetables, and fresh tomato Salsa
C) Chocolate chip Cookies

What’s your oil of choice?
A) Vegetable oil
B) Olive or Canola oil
C) Margarine melted

Where do you keep the fruit in your house?
A) In a fruit bowl on the dining room table
B) In the center of my fridge
C) What fruit?




now for the addition!
For every a you get 1 point
for every b you get 2 points
for every c you get 0 points


howd you do?

31 - 40 you are on the right track!@! good for you!!
16-30 not bad at all! With just a few tweaks you can totally be right on track!
0-15 get ready! your diet needs a major over haul!




And in case you were wondering... I got a 31 :)

I hope it rains :)

There is nothing more lovely to me than the sound of rain on a roof. :) It soothes, and allows me to relax.

This weekend I think I will need all the rain that I can get, to help me relax, and accept everything. :)

Another cervical position check this morning tells me that I"m ripe and ready for some baby making action, I've got so much cervical fluid I feel like my underwear is a slip and slide!!

Gotta go for now, may update later.

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's SEPTEMBER!!!

Holy SHIT batman!! it's finally September, the month that I've been waiting for all year, all my life... I am on day 1 of my Clomid, and after just 3 hours already have the Perfect Mucus for this!!!!!!! ALREADY!!! We won't have sex today, but we will be having sex tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, to hopefully up the chances that it will take this month. I have not been so excited in a long time.
I have never seen the Cervical fluid so perfect!! I took provera for 5 days, as I was supposed to, dr said it wouldn't make me bleed due to the low does, but it would get my body ready to ovulate, and I tested this whole theory, because I am a doubting Thomas... and he was right! I checked my cervical position daily, and the first day it was very tightly closed, and "hard" if you will, rather like pushing on the tip of your nose. By yesterday, it was so open I thought it might have fallen out :P
I have been a bit bitchier lately, and my breasts are really tender, I am so excited I think I have given myself a headache! I'll take a tylenol.
I am asking for everyone's good juju, because getting Pregnant and having a child, that would be the best thing that ever happened to me. Twins would be wonderful, and I'd gladly accept the gift. However, I think that if I only get to have one, I'd really love for it to be a little girl, one that I could dress up in frilly clothes, and teach how to do her make up, and how to cook, and how to keep her feet nice and pedicured. We have a son, and while I will be happy with anything, if I have my wish, I'll have one of each, or just a girl. Either way! it doesn't even matter, LOL Any healthy child of mine will make me ecstatic!

Ok I need to get to bed

This sunday night I get to hang out with Heather and Laura and Laura's place WOOT!