Crabby pants?

So today was pretty awful lol I woke up ready to go, then got stuck in traffic, then omw into the building I had a sneezing fit ( I'm allergic to texas spring :P) And my nose ring flew out of my nose and into the parkinglot, IDK where the hell it is, so on lunch I had to go grab another one from the mall, 10 bucks I didn't want to spend., And then I had this jerk off irate customer who just really pissed me off, pushed all the wrong buttons.

and in the end.,.... I just need to breath and chill the hell out because life shouldn't be this dramatic! :)

I will go home play wow, and eat some brownies, and just chill, and hope that tomorrow i"m better able to handle whatever the hell comes my way.

I need to make sure that I put on my positive attitude before I even get out of bed, and simply deal with problems as a serene and loving member of the human race, Whether I like humans or not, >.>.

Silver linings in my day? I now have a beautiful flower nose ring tha tI love, I got to have the potato club for lunch ( YUMMY POTATOES ARE YUMMY) and I got to talk alot with friends and sister in law :).


I need a nap, but I can just go to sleep later, and that will be fine.


Later all!

Smilin through the pain!

Ever smiled so long that your cheeks actually got sore?
that's what's up with me right now, I've been smiling since I fell asleep last night. And now my cheeks are on fire! O.O lol

It's probably a good thing though.

When I get home, I need to take a shower, and settle in to play some wow.... Cannot freaking wait. That makes me sound like such a nerd, but you have no idea how amazing it is to wash your hair, get all comfy in your pj's and just get down to business playing wow.

Working 40hours a week, I pretty much have nothing but pain in my head, and it's extremely frustrating to constantly have a headache, I know it's because I look at monitors all day long, it's literally killing my eyes, I can see the degeneration. It's no good,

My hair is a mess, needs desperately to be conditioned, I've been so bad to it lately, it's a wonder it doens't just give the hell up. So I give it a nice deep condition tonight and finish it off my rubbing argan oil into the tips and then plastic wrapping them and cover it all with a warm towel. :)

Yes I know that seems like alot of work just for hair, but it's my favorite part of me,
heading to Crystal and Tim's later on tonight, once they get home from work, to pick up the brownies they made for us, very nice of them. :)

Ok I had that cinnabon and now I"m crashing, that's what you get for trying to spike yourself awake with sugar! Time to eat this cookie I think .

Fewdz3/28/2011

Breakfast is Alfredo Pasta and breadsticks ( This is what I'm eating now)

For snacking purposes throughout the day, I have 1 peach, 1 apple, 3 oranges, 1 bowl of grapes, and 1 sliced up lemon (For my decaf tea) And 1 bag of popcorn should I choose to pop it

For lunch I have 1 ceasar salad and whatever fruit happens to still be available :D

Today is a delicious yummy foods day!

This weekend while Grocery shoppingwe purchased an entire bag of oranges 5 apples, a bag of grapes, 4 peaches, 3 lemons.... can you tell I've been in teh mood for fruit? LOL

Fun times :D

On an alternate note, today is Katy's first night home alone, we are hoping that she behaves.... She's only going to be alone for a few hours, but I still worry.

Here is Katie, the newest addition to our family

Katie has only been with us for 4 days, and she is already part of the family, she is adorable! Black Lab and Chow mix, super cute.

The only problems I can see if that she tends to run off with my makeup brushes, and wants to eat all of Eugene's Shoes.

We gave her a bath about an hour after we got her home, she was mostly fine for that, though she hates getting her tail washed or brushed lol.

She's super SKittish, and she tears up paper, she also hates to be in a room, by herself, and doesn't really like to eat, I mixed her food with warm water today and she ate more than she has for a while, I'm going to have to get some gravy, and start mixing that with her food, so that she will eat it, I don't want her to get sick, but I am very worried by her lack of appetite, she just pushes the bowl around alot. She's scared of the leash until you get her on it, so that's not too big of a deal, she's also amazing about bathroom! She will only go if she's on the leash, I"m really proud of her for that!

Her tail has finally come to settle at half mast, with the end curling up,and it occasionally wags, I'm waiting for the day to come that it is fully raised! :) She's such a good girl <3

Makes me so excited. :)

Anyways, this is our new puppy, Katie, she's 2, and seems to be perfect!

Sarah's Scrap Sash quilt!

Completed block number 1
completed block number 2
completed block number 3
sash number 1
sash number 2

( Sash number 3 apparently didn't get a picture taken of it >.>)

So I went out and bought a light medium and dark of 9 different colors ( For three quilts) I purchased 2 yards of each, which was an excellent idea on my part, as I have enough to make some seriously huge quilts now. :)

Anyways, After I was done cutting all of my 8.5x8.5 inch squares, I was left with several 2 yard long strips ( Sashes) Of cloth, in these gorgeous colors and patterns, that i just couldn't let go to waste.

I took them and grouped them together ( I only did one set of each, even though I had two sashes each, I just wanted to see how it worked out, I"ll be finishing with more sewing later on. for now I only have what I'm uploading here :) ) After I grouped them I lined them up ( Right sides together of course :) Except for that one that I accidentally did right to back... had to take all 2 yards worth of stitches out of that one *sigh*).

I pinned them, so that I could make sure that I was keeping my lines straightish, but if you don't think you need Pins, that's fine too.

After I stitched them all together, I laid them out one by one, and I cut 8.5x8.5 inch squares out of what I had, I got 8, 7, and 6 ( 3 sashes were all different lengths T_T)

this tutorial is awful I know, and there probably aren't enough pictures, I plan to take more pictures as I make the second batch of sashes. :) Then I will redo this whole thing, just wanted to get the jumble of thoughts down on the blog for now. :) Byeeeeeeeeee

Friday friday friday

It's friday, and I"m so tired I don't even want to get up to pee.... It's been an emotionally exhausting week, and has taken it's toll on me in more ways than one.

When I get home tonight, I hope that Eugene is awake, if he's not, then he's probably going to be woken up while I vacuum my sewing room, and bring that huge roll of batting up the stairs. That going to take some time.

Then I'm going to stay up and quilt until the sun comes up, when I am going to go out tot he dog pen and clean up everything that remains of Zena.

And then I'm going to go find us a new dog, and get her a big comfy bed, and come home and get to know this puppy. Eugene is Adamant that we get a girl dog. So that's what I"m going for.

I need to sit down with Chris's quilt and actually finish that shit, before he gets mad at me LOL..... I can probably finish it this weekend.


Here is a recipe for Chipotle's hot sauce... which btw I'm addicted to

http://www.chipotlefan.com/index.php?id=red_hot_salsa_recipe


It's friday, as the title suggests, and I just want it to be over already so I can go the hell home. :)


Later all

I HAS TEA!!!! ( Decaf ladies, don't worry)

So you all probably know that I've been trying to get off the sodas, I have this amazing 100oz mug that I bought to help me get there.

I have been faithfully bringing it to work every day, and making sure that I always fill up the ice trays when I finish off the ice ( Which btw is every damn day, I put two trays of ice in my mug each morning, and then fill it up with freshly brewed decaf iced tea)

So I forgot it today *SUPER HUGE SAD FACE* But instead of getting a soda, I totally filled up a cup with WATER and drank water until lunch! O.O Not only that, but then on lunch I ran home, and made a pot of tea, filled up my mug with ice, and then topped it off with tea, and ran back to work..... and I still didn't get a soda!!!

I'm happy :)

So Sodas are going the way of the dino, so is nail biting!

It's been three weeks of not biting my nails, and I have some really pretty fingers to show for it!


*SQUEEEEEE*


Later all Damn I'm all posty today

How do you see yourself in your mind?

I ask because I"m often surprised by my reflection.... I wonder who that fat woman is LOL

I'm on a quest to lose weight, have been for a while, people tell me it's all about how you think of yourself, well here's how I picture myself in my head.

Thin,with streaming long hair, and always wearing a sundress or comfy jeans, and usually highheels or flipflops! :D
I see myself as vivacious and full of energy/life force.... I see myself smiling and happy inthe sunshine sparkling on the waves... With magic just dripping from my fingertips, creating an aura of complete centered power that I wear like a tiara....

Probably a little strange to read how one sees themself, but I wanted to know know you all see yourselves? Happy? Sad? Sucessful? Rich? Poor? Magical?

Let me know.. I really am curious! <3

My sunshiny day

So today was a good day for me, I was out in the sunshine ( Yesterday too, but as I was at the animal shelter then it was tough) I got to go to joanns and get my secret weapon to cut the cost of quilting ( Will post about that farther down), Ate lunch by myself, was able to just quietly meditate on life and what's going on, and that was good.

Last night I made the comment to Eugene that I missed him and wanted to spend my lunch with him, he couldn't as he had a dinner with out boss to attend, so I was just feeling that I wouldn't get to see him at all. Instead, he surprised me! He stayed up waiting for me to get home, and then stayed up with me for over an hour, and we talked and giggled, it was lovely. :)

Today though was nice. Quiet, just me.

I woke up around noon, and got ready to go out for the day, ( Forgetting my mug and my lunch at home go me) My first stop? Joanns! I went to joanns and I got 18 yards of fabric ( Spent 108 bucks ouch!) But that's not the best part.... Sitting in my trunk right now is a bolt ( That's right 40 yards folks) Of Warm and Natural Batting, that I bought with a 50 % off coupon.. HELL YES!

So my 500 dollar( After taxes) Bolt of batting only cost me 259( after taxes) Talk about an exciting time for me!

Some of the ladies there saw all my fabric and asked what I was making, when I said quilts they gave me that look that older quilters often give me " Young person, you dn't know how to quilt, why don't you run along and let the adults play" Which I was able to silence when I had the extremely helpful joannes associate wheel out my ginormous boxobatting.... :) I do love making people drop their jaws. Teach them to judge a book by it's cover huh?!?! I may be young, and have unnaturally purple hair, but I have an addiction to quilting, and I don't think it's going away just because of my age lol.

so the batting is amazing, the fabric I got is just beautiful, and my lunch was wonderful!

I bought Eugene lunch too as he forgot his at home, but he's sick to his tummy, so he will take it home and eat it later.

I am happy with my purchases, even though I spent over 300 dollars ( EGADS THAT"S ALOT OF MONEY) Because I got two yards each of some very beautiful fabrics! I think that I need to post a picture of all the fabrics I have gotten in my stash, I update facebook with them, but I'll add them here too. :)

Not only all of those awesome things, but it seems that My Uncle's chemo is working! His tumors are shrinking! I'm so happy <3

I am out of break time for now, but you all know that I've had a good day, which I desperately needed after the toll this weekends loss took on me.

I hope everyone else has a wonderful day!

Cycle day 14

This weekend is my O time! :D

I'm excited by the prospect of ovulating again this month, I know that it's going to one day produce a child, and that child will be loved by me more than you can ever imagine.

I am sleepy, and hyper at the same time, meaning that my mind is in teh gutter, and my filter is OFF.

Eugene and I are still deciding on a new puppy, have to find a good one for us.

We are going camping this weekend, to the sherwood forest fair as well, I hope to have a wonderful time.

Um... what else....

I'm starving, ravenous really, it's kinda scary LOL.

Going to go pick something to eat. :)

Hope everyone is having a good day. may post more later

I've not even touched my sewing machine since Zena died, I think I need to change that, make Eugene and I both a quilt for the weekend events.

It will be hard to do it without my faithful pup laying all over my fabric and eating my thread, but I'll do my best to get my joy back. When the new dog comes home, I will train her to sit up there with me as well, and we can have a good time together.

Peace

Thoughts about Zena, and getting a new puppy

I was remembering today, how when she knew she was in trouble her muzzle would get all red, it was SO cute, and when she was excited, her whole face and neck and belly would blush, she just was so cute and full of spirit.
How much she loved car rides, and hated the rain, how she would literally hold it until she was about to pop before venturing out in the rain, haha.
I remember how her whole body wiggled when she saw me coming home, and how her tongue stuck out when she slept. And all of those wonderful memories are killing me now.
I miss her so much.

The hardest part for me is coming home at night and her not being at the gate ready to bound up the stairs. Or not having her laying all over my damn clothes, or not giving her anymore baths with my strawberry shampoo mixed in to help it smell better.

Not having her to just rub her head on my leg as I sat on the couch and she sat beside me.

She's a good girl, and I will miss her forever.

Alot of people think that I'm getting a new animal too soon, and that's just not the case.

My dog is gone, and not saving another one isn't going to bring her back, and it's probably going to make it harder to get over her loss.

Nolee is the name of the puppy I"m looking at, I go to meet her tomorrow, she's a lab, we will see if I like her or not, she seems sweet enough in the pictures, and the video.

She is a six year old black labrador, and a very happy puppy.

I will miss the energy and boundless enthusiasm of my boxer pit baby, but It's entirely too soon for me to get another one of the same breed, though Mugsy is adorable, and I like him alot too.

We will see tomorrow I will go fill out the application, see if I'm allowed to have one at all, they have to approve you.

Talked to my land lord today, to make sure that getting another puppy was ok, and got the go ahead, the shelter will call them and make sure everything is kosher with them, and then hopefully on sunday I'll get to take my puppy home....

No I'm not over Zena's death, not in the least, but rescuing another puppy will help me get over it I think.

The tears don't stop, I think about her and go off in a fit of crying, and I'm sure I will continue to for a while, but that's no reason to let a puppy get gassed. I can provide a good loving home, and that's what a puppy needs.

Rest in peace Zena, you are in a better place, and I will see you one day, and introduce you to this puppy too. <3 you.

Zena

So this weekend, last night actually, I was taking Zena outside, and she slipped her collar to go:chase a cat. I drove around, I walked the neighborhood for hours calling for her, but she was gone.
Finally gave up, put a bowl of food outside for her, certain shed come back when she was hungry. Morning came, she still wasn't home, Eugene went looking for her, but he couldn't find her either. Finally talked to a neighbor, they told me that they had taken Zena to an animal hospital, after witnessing someone in a white Ford explorer run her over, then back over her and drive over her again. They told me that she bled a lot, so they weren't sure what to do for her. They left her at tje hospital, and I called them this morning to find out she's passed away last night.
When she got to the Drs she wasnt breathing her oen anymore her heart was beating, but she died 15 minutes after she was brought in.

My poor poor baby girl, I miss yours much, youbare a joy, and it was an honor tonnage had you as my furry friend.

September 2009 thru march 2011, a short, but fulfilled life. I love you princess and will miss you every day.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

is going to sit down tonight and create a tutorial for something...

I will post it here when I'm done lol this is a reminder!

Malachai moving in?

We went through this last year, when he wanted to move in, and we said Sure! And even got a two bedroom house so that he could, sadly, he changed his mind at the last minute, leaving Eugene and I feeling crappy.

Now he wants to move in with us again.

And I want him to as well, so we are trying to get him in!

Things I need to do, plan meals that I can start in the slow cooker in the mornings when I wake up, that he and Eugene can eat for dinner.
Things like Chili, Stew, potroast, Chicken noodle soup, Tortilla soup... things of that nature

And also things that he can easily pop in the oven, like meatloafs, and casseroles.

I think that this is going to be good for me and them.

My men, both under one roof! I cannot wait!

Things to do :)

So everyone here knows that I am who I am.

I curse like a sailor, and lose my temper and get over it pretty quickly, I hate getting stood up and lied to, I will tell you the truth to your face no matter what, and I love to craft.

So knowing that, why would you stand me up, then lie to me about it, and then be a bitch because you got called out for it?

*Sigh* Whatever, I've cut you out of my life, I don't need your Drama, Hello honey, I have my own.

Anyways! That was the first thing I needed to do today, was remove that person from my life, and now I feel better.

What I need to do over the course of the next few days is this :

Clean up craft room, and move my sewing table against the window to open up more space in there.

Take out all the damn trash up there, and in my bathroom

Do Laundry.

Move all the new fabrics I got over the past weekend from the living room floor to the craft room.

Figure out a way to keep that room organized.

Make a chore wheel, to make sure that I vacuum up there every day, it gets MESSY TO FAST!!

Do the dishes

Vacuum the whole house actually

Work on Chris's Quilt, have to make a celtic knot.

:)I have to do all of that, and stick to my guns about the chores! I'm so sick and tired of the house being a mess! Yes I'm tired, but that's no excuse! I should deal with it, and just work through it. :)
That's what my goal is, spend 1 hour a day ( After work) On house work, and one hours winding down, and then sleep and get ready to start again.

Clomid day two, cycle day 7

oh boy
I'm a mess of angry pandaness today.

Just all around not a happy camper.

It's the clomid, It leaves you tired, dizzy, and completely 100% psycho.

Oh well nothing I can do about that now, When I get home, I plan to attack my craft room, it needs to be cleaned, and vacuumed, and I need to move the sewing table again, I want to make the rtoom have as much space as possible.

This sunday I plan to attack my bedroom, and take all the clothes and such I don't wear anymore out and throw them away/give them to good will.

Too much clutter in my house! I want open airy spaces, not cramped cluttered spaces.

I'm going to start following the tutorials that Laura White has been putting up and get my crafty on, I should be ready for a baby to pop now haha, so I need to start making bags and pouches, and clutches, and decorating diaper wipe cases for the baby to come! I'll make a pink and blue set of everything, and then go on to make some in yellow, and some in green, just because I plan to have several diaper bags packed, one that stays int eh car, ont that stays with Daddy, one that stays with mommy, and one for baby sitters/ outside family members.

FOOD DIARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the idea from Laura White, and I"m really excited about it! I"m not going to do the traditional food diary, I"m going to be taking pictures of all my meals and snacks, and even the drinks, and uploading them to facebook for all the world to see! YIKES!
This means that I will be more careful about what I eat, it should also help with my closet eating issue >.>

Cycle day five, clomid day one

Pretty much today is the day that everyone should understand that I"m not taking your shit, I started ont eh hormones again, which means that you should back away slowly, and think through any and all statements to me, as I'm likely to snap you in half if you even look at me wrong.

You think that normal pms has bad side effects, then you've never been in a clomid induced rage.
I assure you that I know exactly what's going on, I simply have no ability to stop it from occurring. It's that time where, if you are easily butt hurt, you should probably not talk to me.

It's hard to go through, as my Sister in Law Amanda just found out ( She's got to start round two of her Clomid) I'm on round 6.. >.> At a ridiculous 150 miligrams, it's not the nicest drug I've ever been on, and I"m not the nicest person while on it. I know it's coming, I'm just letting you all know it's coming.

Don't hate me, hate the drug :P

Anyways, That's my schpiel for the day! :D

ouch

woke up and got my wish! my body told me exactly whats going on, with full blown cramps and bleeing *sigh* Not my favorite time of the month, but it's fine I will deal with it, as the drugs really really are working, on day 5 I"ll start on the clomid again and all will be well, March/April has the potential to be my month! :)

Today I'm off to pick up some free fabric, and also to check out some cheap fabric in Kileen, then back to Austin, to pick up Pip,m and meet Chris at Joanns!

Today is ALL ABOUT FABRIC haha, and fashion :) Cause I'll look amazing doing it!

*sigh* What the hell Body, can you please work with me?

So The past two days, I've been spotting, with heavy mucus, IDK what the hell it is, sometimes it's really light red, sometimes it's really really dark red, no cluewhat the hell is going on,

Have decided to take the pregnancy test on saturday, when I wake up, because then I won't have to deal with work if it's negative, and I"ll have the support of a good friend later in the day.

I have to say, I'm exhausted, and keep getting run over with Nausea, but that's normal for PMS with me. My body is super sensitive to hormone fluctuations.

This weekend I need to go grab a new journal, so that I can write down how I"m feeling, I ran out of room in my last one, so it's time for a new one.

Can't wait for my lunch on Saturday with Laura! YAY!

freaking out!

So tomorrow I will go buy another pack of pregnancy tests, and pee on a stick when I wake up....

Wish me luck everyone!

Tarot cards seem to think I am indeed pregnant!

Here's the spread Laura did for me, and the cards that go with it


This spread primarily focuses on what the mother is thinking and feeling throughout the pregnancy, along with factual information about the baby itself.

..........................6
......................5.......7
..................4..............8
..............3......................9
.....1...2..............................10...11
...................12...13...14

Cards 2 thru 10 are laid out in a semi-circle, not a pyramid, but I couldn't really show that here.

Card 1: Conception
Cards 2-10: months 1-9 of pregnancy
Card 11: Labor/birth
Card 12: Will this be a multiple birth (i.e., twins)?
Card 13: What is the sex of the unborn child?
Card 14: Will the baby arrive on time?

>>>>>>>>>>>


1. QoW-r
2. KoS
3. 6oC-r
4. devil
5. AoC-r
6. 2oP
7. 8oC
8. 5oP
9. 9oC-r
10. 5oW-r
11. 8oW-r
12. Sun (multiples- yes!)
13. Heirophant-r (asked if multiples would be of both sexes- yes!)
14. 7oC-r

Keeping it close to my heart

The last few days I've been keeping this close to my heart, not been getting too excited or anything, trying to just be as chill as I can, and not get excited over what may be nothing.

So I did bleed on march third, and it was about a medium flow, but after 6 hours, it stopped completely.

I called my dr, told the nurse what happened, and she said that it could have been implantation bleeding, but that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, She told me to wait until thursday, or friday, of this week ( That's just a few days yall) and take another home pregnancy test.

That's what I'm going to do. I HAven't had any more blood, a little bit of cramping, but nothing serious, you know?

So I'm very very very hopeful, but cautiously so, I want to make sure that I don't get so excited that I'm crushed again. That's the tricky thing about hope, it hurts when it doesn't work out.

We will see how it goes.

However, should I actually be pregnant right now, I am 5 weeks and 1 day ( The baby is only 3 weeks and 1 day, but they start it from your LMP, not conception) That makes maybe baby as big as an orange seed, last week he/she was only as big as a poppy seed! WOW what a growth spurt!

So this is me not getting excited... I so fail at this, haha.

I'm trying

Pray for me please <3

I've been waiting so long....

Today, I got to see Pictures of my cousin Amber's first meeting with her brand new baby Daughter, and it was beautiful, Absolutely stunning, She looked at her and said " I've waited so long to meet you"

And I read that and my heart broke into a million pieces, apparently I wasn't using a strong enough glue to put it back together this last week or so.

I'm broken guys, So broken in fact, that I can barely function without bursting into tears

I want to meet my child so badly, my soul weeps for the chance to hold my wee one within itself. My body yearns to create life.

My heart cannot seem to be mended, I've been told again and again that I need to be patient, and I need to just chill out, and that I need to just relax, but it's been three years, and ten miscarriages... I want it to be my time now, I"m so tired of waiting guys, so very very tired of waiting.

I cry myself to sleep at night, every night. I am stressing out, freaking out, generally not good when you are TTC.

I'm exhausted, but can't see to stay asleep.

I can't make it through the night without needing a nap, I'd prefer they be three hours, but they tend to only be 15 minutes max.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl, I deserve this.

Do you have any idea how bad it hurts to have to watch all your friends get pregnant and bloom with life, while you can't keep a child alive?

Some of you probably know, and I'm so sorry that you know.... someone save me from this spiral of depression.

Moving on, with some exciting new toys!

So, I am going to use my spring bonus to pay off MOST of my car, and purchase this amazing machine... It's GORGEOUS! Absolutely 100% the best thing I've seen so far, :D

http://www.amazon.com/Brother-LB-6800PRW-Computerized-Embroidery-Stabilizer/dp/B003J4G8V4/ref=sr_1_2?s=arts-crafts&ie=UTF8&qid=1299161761&sr=1-2

and I'll order thread from here

http://metroemb.com/Big%20Spools%20Package.html

Includes 61 Spools of Embroidery Thread + 144 Prewound Bobbins

that is what hooked me! OMG that's so freaking sexy!!

Starting over... again, and again, and again

So I have been spotting alot the last few days, and today finally full fledged started my cycle, March 3rd 2010, day one of the new cycle, Am I depressed?

Well that's Bitter sweet really, because the treatments are working, I was able to ovulate, and have a period on my own, that's wonderful news, No provera needed this time, I called up the dr, and let the nurse know that I started today, and asked if I needed to come in, and if he wanted me to take the clomid this time, or try to ovulate on my own.

He did not need me to come in, he is happy that my period started on it's own, and he sent my prescription for Clomid to my pharmacy.

So I will try again, and hope again, and we will see what happens, if this is the month, then I"m having a december 8th baby.

Face book should ahve a setting for psycho hormonal woman

People ask me all the time :
How are you doing?

But they don't really want to know, When I ask someone how they are doing, I genuinely want to know how they are doing, even if I just said I'm well thank you, how are you?to be polite, I still want to know how they are feeling.

People say all the time : It's a long story

but that just means that they don't want to talk about it, and it's not really a long story, it's just perosnally emotional to them, and repeating it AGAIN ( Because all their besties have heard it) Would be too painful. And that is ok.


I suppose you wonder why I'm talking about this, well here's why, How I'm feeling is COMPLICATED, a mixture of depression, and hope, and fear, and a wanting so strong it eats me alive.

Why I'm feeling this way really IS a long story, at least, for me it's a long story, for me, it's three years and 10 miscariages, and 6 months of Fertility Treatments long. Sure that only took a few sentences to get out, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a long story, and it's complicated, and painful, and depressing, and all together enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and just stop existing.

People ask you : Have you ever had thoughts of suicide?

Well no shit, of course I have. all the time, I fight it all the time. I want to just curl up in a ball and die, or just unbuckle my seatbelt and fling myself from the car, YES I think about it, but I'm not stupid enough to do it.

People say : Well I had a hard childhood, that's why I am the way I am

Well I was raped by my step father for years, and physically and mentally abused by my mother for longer than that. I dealt with hunger, and neglect, and pain, and hardship, for the first 14 years of my life.

But you don't see me going around robbing banks, or killing people, or being mean just for the hell of being mean do you?

No.

What you see is me struggleing to be a mother, to start a family, be a good wife, work 40 hours a week to pay the bills, and be a part of society. What you see is me stopping on that lonely dark stretch of road to help an old lady with a flat tire, and give that couple in the parkinlot a jump, and giving that Bum a 5 so he can eat tonight, and Trying to start a charity, and a business involving quilting. That's what you see me doing.

People need to stop making excuses, and start making a difference. Do I feel good right now? NO! I feel like shit, but that's not a good enough excuse for me to just forget about the rest of the world, yes, life is complicated, and yes my feelings are complicated, and I have been through alot, but those experiences are what make me the perfect person to help everyone else.

Next time you ask someone how they are, try actually listening to the answer, not just the words, but the tone, and the body language, make an effort to be there for your fellow man.

Next time they say it's a long story, accept it, with good grace, and just let them know you are there for them if they want to hash out their feelings.

Show your love to the whole world.

please

deep deep depression

Ever have those days where you go lower than your lowest low? Where you feel absolutely 100%n like shit, and nothing anyone says can make it any better?
that's how I"m feeling right now.

it sucks. I want to feel happy, but somehow I just can't do it.

blogging about it isn't helping, it's not even worth it to finish the paragraph.

It's the week of second guessing all my symptoms!

And Third guessing,a nd fourth guessing, and pretty much just driving myself insane, are my breasts different than usual? is that a normal meunstral " Messenger" cramp? Is my sense of smell usually this accute? I can't remember! UGH I know I wrote down all my syptoms last month, where did I put that piece of paper? Do I smell iron? ( Run to the bathroom to check and come back releived that there is nothing there, but at the same time, freaking out that maybe my period is just late again...)

Oh dear Goddess, this is hard to handle! Why is it that some people can get pregnant so easily, and I, who have wanted children forever, can't seem to have even one?

I go in next week for a blood pregnancy test, because today I am officially one day late on my period,( I wish that was a definitive sign, but you know me, Irene Irregular!)

If it's not pregnancy this month, I am going to have to break down and go see a reproductive endocronologist, but Eugene doesn't want to get his sperm tested. *sigh* IDK, he's worried that it's him, I"m worried that it's me.

I would DIE to have children of my own. I love my step son so very much, but I want my own babies! I want to carry that child within me for 40 weeks, and breast feed, and be there to change all his or her diapers....

Am I depressed? You betch your ass I"m depressed. I'm so tired of not being able to have my own child!

Ok I'm not being productive here, I"m just crying, and being overly emotional.

I hope that out there, you all on this Journy through IF ( Infertility) with me understand that I'm not bitching at you, I"m bitching to you, My heart is being ripped out of my chest, and I just want the pain to stop.