And it begins again, Cycle day 2... ish?

*sighs* So I had a horrible cramp on saturday night./sunday morning. and then sunday night had a bit of bright red blood, then nothing, then the next day, a bit of darker blood, and then nothing.... and now again nothing.

Wish that it would either start or not, still going to test on june 7th, because this isn't really a period... so it's either cycle day two or it's cycle day 32... I guess we shall see by june 7th. <3

Cycle day 31.... still nothing

So It's cycle day 31, BFN on saturday ( As I expected, Had a cramp so intense and so long that it literally made me pass out. I couldn't stay conscious through it. It was awful.

Then on sunday I has one bit of spotting. and I woke up today, to nothing, completely and totally clear.

So who knows, I'm cramping a bit. Hopefully it's nothing... I want to have a child, and I hope that this is my month.

Cycle day 27

Period is due this saturday, but I don't think it's going to come, I mean it could of course come and surprise me, but I don't think so...

See everytime I have gotten pregnant I have gotten a cold sore, and guess what just started forming on my lip today? I know that's a silly reason to think you are pregnant, but the fact is that I haven't had a coldsore when I was not pregnant for 4 years.

Testing saturday, wish me luck :)

Symptoms include :
Really really weird vivid dreams
cold sore
light cramping but it's off and on
cervical mucus that seems to be pretty thick and creamy
Nausea off and on
Headaches
Fatigue
moodiness
and my boobs are swelling
the aureoles are widening, and getting those weird goose bump thingies ( This also happens to be during PMS though so meh)

Cycle Day 25

No spotting
Nausea
Feels like I"m breathing through Jello, and that's no ok
Extreme fatigue, I slept last night, so this is not ok with me.
headache - not horrible, but it comes and goes
urination - not frequent, but had to go within an hour of getting to work
Breast are super heavy though.

LIKE SUPER HEAVY I don't feel like my bra can hold them up haha
and seriously I may just vomit, this is the 6th day of nausea, and the first time it's been so bad that I think I might actually throw up.

I asked for a sign, I said if I'm pregnant then make me throw up, and I think it's going to happen. Of course I said if I'm not then to make my period start today, and that hasn't happened yet either, but I'm thinking I'm pregnant because the need to puke is so strong.

PLEASE SIGN MY PETITION TO MY GOD :) I petitioned her, and I signed up so many people last night that I can't imagine it not working :)

I have faith that my petition worked and that I am pregnant. Cannot wait til june 7th when I get to test! <3

cycle day 24 symptoms

So I went to the bathroom and had some bright pink spotting, not entirely sure what it's from, not really cramping, but am feeling a bit tight and pressury.

head is killing me, stomach wants to asplode and I am exhausted. All in all I feel like crap today. I will gladly take these feelings for a full 9 months if it ends in a child of my own, but I really hope I don't have to.

Making an appointment to pray tonight, because if I don't I won't ever have the time. Praying is something I have largely avoided doing. But I know that I am loved by something up there, god, goddess, sexless entity. Just have to figure out how to get into contact with that person, and talk to them. Fix what's wrong in my heart. Maybe then I can get over feeling like crap.

Eat Pray Love

I am listening to the audio Book, Eat Pray Love, and it is fantastic, I'm already crying, and only on disc two.. This is a book that I will have to own myself. For now I will rip the audio files to my computer to add to my ipod, so that I can listen to it whenever I want.

I'm completely astounded.....

how amazing this book is.

I recommend it to anyone, never seen the movie, but been told it too is awesome :D

I am going to start a personal notebook, though it will probably not be digital... but we will see, I love writing... so lets see! <3

More about the cycles, and raptor jesus day, etc...

So I spotted a bit yesterday, and this morning, but now it's back to being all clear. A little crampy, but decided that the best way to help that is to cut back on the caffeine.

Im exhausted

I had TWs 7th bday party to attend this morning, and tonight I have Misty's 21st bday party to attend.

The deal is that i"m so damn tired, I won't be staying long, Just to ssay hi, hapy birfday, love ya, bye... then it's home to catch some sleep before logging into wow and continuing the leveling process.

Went for "coffee" ( I had a blue bery b monster smoothie like a good girl) With Andrea and Laura, that was lovely, I really really have missed them both.
But about half way through sitting outside, I started getting cranky and hot flashy, and nauseated, had to move inside. The nausea never did calm down, but I did get to chase off a solicitor... asshat trying to sell us 500 stickers... O.o

Anyways, I'm pooped, ttyl

I'm not obsessing, I'm just stating the facts :P

So I had spotting on cd 17, and again on cd 20. and today ( CD 21) I am horribly nauseated.

Hoping to get a BFP on may 28th ( for the early test) or june 7th!( For the week after AF is supposed to show test) :)

Messy bun, glasses, t-shirt and jeans I look FABULOUS!

lol so I haven't been sleeping much lately. Too tired, too much to do, to many distractions.... you name it.

But I have discovered that I don't look half bad with the bruised eyes and messy bun and glasses of the tired woman world.

I know that sounds a little silly, but it's true, I look good when I don't look perfect lol. Not that I NORMALLY look perfect, I'm just saying that I think I wear exhausted happiness well :)

So I've been a bit crampy today, which sucks :( No one wants to be crampy, crampy sucks. But that's ok, it's all for a good cause.

Going to do the first ever annual blizzard 5k tomorrow night, and that is going to freaking ROCK, and then saturday I'm going to do another 5k out at barry springs park.

It's funny, this two week wait I'm not really obsessing, I'm THINKING about the possibilities, but mostly, I'm just calm. I wonder if this is the prelude to the real deal?

I don't know, and I don't want to jinx it, I will be disappointed if I'm not pregnant, but there really is always next month, so I'll try again if it didn't work this time.

though I really really hope it worked this time. ....

anywhoodles. I'm tired, and break is nearlyover, and I have to pee... soooooooo have a good day all :)

YAY SEX!!

lol I know that it's silly to post about sex, but man.... that was amazing.... my husband is freaking awesome <3

So the dr was wrong, I AM responding to my meds thank you OPKit!! Was ovulating yesterday and today :) So it's good that we had sex WOOOT! <3

not sure if I should take a test on the 28th, or wait til the first week in june....

tutorial: how to sew a simple maxi dress

tutorial: how to sew a simple maxi dress

so glad I can post anything

So today I woke up around 10 am, and called the dr to cancel the appointment, and then went to the bathroom. Oddly enough when I went to the bathroom I experienced a bit of spotting... not ALOT of spotting, literally enough to tinge my tp pink, and I don't really know what to think about it. I'm going to have sex when I get home tonight, and hope that I was just a late bloomer as far as ovulating goes. I'm still SURE that this is my month, I have such peace, even though I was miserable when he said I wasn't responding I still felt peaceful in a way that I haven't before.

So I may be disappointed in a few weeks, and I'm ok with that. But I am going to choose to beleive instead that I will not be disappointed, I am going to choose instead to believe that my ovaries are late bloomers, because it's cycle day 17, and I'm experiencing spotting, which can either be implantation bleeding, or maybe even ovulatory bleeding...

Anyways, we will see :) <3

Maybe I should just relax

Ok, so my last post was pretty emotional, and I'm ok with that, Im freaking out at the moment thinking that it's never going to happen.

So instead of freaking out, I'm just going to chill the fuck out.

Im not GIVING UP, but I'm also not FREAKING OUT. I'm going to just take the drugs, and have the sex, and hope that it works. I'm not going to do the second guessing of all my symptoms, and I'm going to TRY not to cry if it doesn't work next cycle.

Im just going to chill.... as much as I can. Focus on work, and my marriage, and being a good step mother.

Another cycle of failure

So I'm on cycle 8 of Clomid, and they had upped my dose to 200, but I'm not responding, so they are going to cut this cycle short, force a new cycle to start, and up my dosage to 250. and if that doesn't work, then I don't know what we will do... I'm not sure if the shot's are more effective, or if we will go to Femara like Amanda is doing, or if we will just go straight to IUI and try that.

I'm just about in tears, I can manage to get pregnant, but not stay that way, and now, apparently I can't even manage to ovulate. It seems like a big cosmic joke to make someone who wants to be a Mother so badly infertile.

I know that being upset won't change what's going on, but I can't help the tears. I just want my own child. Not being able to have one is breaking my heart.

Thanks for listening.

I got this from another blog, and just laughed and laughed

http://www.jennepper.com/2008/05/im-1-day-pregnant.html

That's the link to it.

How funny is that? One day Pregnant, gonna eat 7 cookies, and complain about my symptoms! LOL

Vial Of Dreams: Make a woman's day on Mother's Day.

Vial Of Dreams: Make a woman's day on Mother's Day.: "I haven't written a blog in a long time, but I feel that a situation with a friend warrants this. I don't want to say names, because I want..."

Mother's day for those who have lost children, or have been relegated to the unimportant step mother role

This means that you will be hurt.

You aren't their "real Mom" No matter than you do everything you can for them, and that you try to make them happy, you aren't their real mom. So you don't count...

At least that's how it is in my family. And since no one else here in my texas family, I don't know how to explain how I feel.

I have lost 10 children. I have been a step mother through all of that, and I am a Mother, no matter that I haven't given birth to my own young yet.

But... somehow, people seem to forget that.

Happy Mother's day to all of you out there who are in the same position, I am so sorry if this weekend is as difficult for you as it is for me, and I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain that comes with being cast aside as unimportant, on a day that means so much to you....

I think you all are wonderful, and so I wish you all Happy Mother's day, whether you bore your child or not, if you are their mother, then you are amazing, and I appreciate the hell out of you.

Ps, it's ok to cry about it, and it's ok to tell your mate about it. <3

Absolutely humiliating

So today, I knew I was having a heavy period day ( Like every one of them happen to be), so I was prepared! I used a tampon, and two maxipad over nighters to make sure that no leakage would occur! Over kill I know, but I believe in being prepared!

So I go into a 20 minute long meeting with my boss, and when I stand up, blood slowly seeps from my two overfilled pads, and soaks the front of my jeans. My boss sees this, turns bright red, and I run, mortified to the bathroom.

I can't go home right away, because I would lose my job. So there I sit, at my desk for over an hour with my coat covering my lap, crying from embarassment, and asking HR if there is anything they can do.

I got to go home for an early lunch, but had to come back after wards. So I am now sitting in clean clothes at my desk at work, with a pounding migraine, on teh worst day I think I've ever had to deal with at work

OMW back to work from changing I stopped and picked up 2 six packs, I'll be cracking those when I get home, because this was not cool.

Does your period reduce you to your primitive state?

I must confess that when I am on my period, I crave cow, Steak and cheese burgers. I am probably not alone in this.

I tend to bleed heavily, soaking through my double layer of pads in about 2 hours, I get dark circles under my eyes, and my iron levels drop dramatically.

So my body begins to burn for meat. The protein to help repair the mess in my uterus, and the iron to help up my blood levels.

The cramps I experience are so intense it feels like someone is removing my spine with no anesthesia. It's not fun.

In my experience, my period is the weakest point of the month for me, and becasue of that, I tend to stay home, hidden in my comfy pajammas, sitting on the couch playing wow or reading a book, trying not to move as much as possible.

I feel like a woman takes care of her man most of the time, but during her period, her man should take care of her instead. This isn't the most popular notion, but it's one I firmly believe in.
When I am on my period, I don't want to cook, clean, walk the dog ( The last two I do anyway) But I think that my man should make sure I"m eating enough during my time of the month. Should make sure that what I'm eating has plenty of iron and protein in it, and makes sure that I am as comfortable as possible.

I am very lucky to have that in Eugene.... So I was just wondering if anyone else out there feels the same way.

It seems natural to me that during my most vulnerable time, my mate is there to make sure I am taken care of... anyone else have thoughts on this?

cycle day 5

MASSIVE amounts of pain, haven't managed to make this cramp stop, it's been going for so long it feels like my uterus is being squeezed like an orange. OUCHIES!!!

Ont eh bright side, I did 2 miles on teh treadmill today, and ran an entire 10th of a mile on speed setting 6!!! YEAH!

I burned my breakfast, but that's ok, I somehow had the foresight to bring an extra meal, because workout days leave me super hungry. So that will be awesome.

And I found a new app thanks to Amanda Fackrell, so that's awesome, it's called my fitness pal! LOVE IT!

and..... I'm on day two of crazy pills, and ...
DRUM ROLL PLEASE


I have lost ELEVEN POUNDS IN 3 WEEKS!!!!!!!! COUNT THEM 11~!!!!!!

CLOTH DIAPER TUTORIAL!!!

I found it I found it!!! *SQUEEEEEEEEE*

When I get home tonight I'm going to make one, just to see if it's as easy as that tutorial looks, pretty much it's flannel outside, and microfleece for the insert, and if you want to make a diaper cover, you can make that out of fleece! :D

I am so freaking excited about this!! I will post pictures on facebook, but I"ll probably post them here too.. I'm going to make my first diaper out of that pretty argyle hearts fleece I have :) And then I'll go from there! IDK if I'm having a boy or a girl, but even if I do get prego with a boy, I can give these diapers to a friend expecting a girl. :)

CAN'T EVEN WAIT SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Cycle day three

So I got to the gym a little late today, but got to meat two extraordinary young ladies while there, so I"m happy about that!

We talked our whole work out, and then one of the other ladies and I went outside to bask in the deliciously cool air, and I ate the chicken from my salad.

I did 2 miles YEAH ME! :)

I also called the doctor, and tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound, to do a clomid baseline ( Make sure that I don't have any more cysts on my ovaries) And then on monday may 9th, I will go in for my hsg.

I'm tired, and crampy,a nd all together not in the best of moods, however, I'm happy to say that working out while making me tired, also puts me in a better mood, most of the time. ;)

Have a beautiful day Guys!!~


Also.. Usama Bin Ladin is dead THANK YOU LADY!

Going Green... What does it really mean to me?

So I've been loooking into how to create my own cloth diapers, I still haven't found any tutorials on how to create your own, but I"ll find one, one of these days!

What I have been doing myself, NOW is creating my own cloth diaper wipes, It will cost me a little more time, and a little more effort, but it will be better for the environment ( not gonna have thousands of disposable wipes in the land fill decomposing) And it's good for baby's bum, apparently, disposable wipes can cause severe diaper rash, as can disposable diapers. And that's something I don't want my baby to have to deal with :(

So what I've been doing is taking 8.5x8.5 inch square pieces of flannel left over from other projects and making them into wipes. Take two of contrasting, or complimenting colors, and put them right sides together, then sew around the edge almost all the way around, leave 2-3 inches un sewn on the last side, and pull the inside out of the wipe. :) Make sure to run your finger nail, or a dowel rod ( Or if you are careful, your scissors) alopng the edges, making sure to poke into the corners as well, to make sure that the cloth stays squarish.

Then close the open few inches on the outside. To cover that up, as well as assist the cloth wipes in holding their shape after use and washing, turn your needle position to a zig zag patter, and go around the entire wipe. Trust me, you weill be much happier with the look once you do.

If any of you out there know of how to make cloth diapers please do comment a link, or the instructions, and include the best type of fabric for the diapers, and the inserts. Thank you all! Hope to make these wipes something that everyone uses one day :)

What are you doing on this lovely early sunday morning?

I am blogging obviously, but more than that! I am being industrious! I am working on creating dozens of double sided flannel baby wipes, to be use in lieu of disposable wipes BECAUSE it's more earth friendly ;)

after i finish with this ( and please note almost all these baby wipes are girly looking) I will start on burp clothes, and a diaper clutch.... I have got this bug BAD! but it's such a lovely bug to have, if I am being honest. I get to make things, that I want to make, just because I want to make them... it's magnificent :D

Anyways.... Yeah I am off to watch more episodes of whatever I am watching upstairs (Can't remember lol) and sew up some more awesome stuff!